原来我终究还是一个人

Friday, June 17, 2011

it's been awhile since i've updated.
and also..
it's been awhile since we talked or met.
just went to see your fb and your profile picture is still the same.
my favorite picture.
wanted to know how u were these days.
but even if i asked you,
you would say life have been great.
it's like both of us are strangers who have just met.
it really hurts a lot.
yesterday talked to grandpa.
and told him that i've quit smoking.
yes....
i've really quit..
he asked me why the sudden thought..
and i really don't know why too.
and he asked me..
'still can't let go?'
i was like...
i really don't know too.
once in awhile you will suddenly appear in my mind.
and all our memories will start to flash by in my mind as well.
then he said i haven let go of you.
and now that he mentioned..
i realized that i still love you.
it's just that i've suppressed my feelings for you.
and put them to the back of my mind.
as for the heart..
it's numbed.
and the feelings are well kept inside..
in a drawer inside my heart and it's safe and locked nicely.
i miss you.
i really do.

i died.
8:16 PM

Sunday, May 29, 2011

It's the 69th day since we broke up.

i'm surprised at how fast time passed.

it's like it just happened yesterday.

and it feels like it's just the day before that we were cuddling lovingly.

I missed you so much baby.

too much that i've lost myself to time.

and i've lost my life.

it seems like there is no meaning to me anymore.

everyday i'll just go to work.

the same routine on and on.

whether or not to go out on with off day doesn't seemed to bother me.

everyday i've been missing you and thinking of you.

will you miss me?

will you have to urge to hug me tight again?

I really don't know anymore.

it's like i'm already numb.

my heart is no longer with me anymore.

i no longer feel myself.

someone once told me that maybe i'm sent down by god to help people.

but I'm not an angel..

i'm still human.

i still need someone to help me,

someone to give me the sense of security,

someone to care for me,

someone who will try to understand me and talk to me if they have doubts,

someone who never want to let me go,

someone whom i loved too..

and ofcox,

someone who will love me for who i am.

I'm really tired..

I don't know how long i can take this..

standing alone.

and facing all these alone.

mom is going back to thailand next year end for good.

and that means a divorce with my dad.

she asked me to take good care of my sisters for her.

but how am i going to do that when both of them are still so childish and lazy.

giving me attitude which i really feel like giving each of them one tight slap on the face.

telling them to bathe and wash their own dishes is like telling them to die..

i have to threaten them to get them on their heels.

seriously,

whether or not they bath is not doing me any good.

mom always tells me to look after them,

ask them to bathe and slp early and all.

asked me to remember to check all the things that has to be off or locked before going to slp.

even asked me to accompany my sister if they have homework and see if they needed any help.

but ofcox.

i have to be the last one to get to bed.

i'm really tired.

really.

when will she call me and ask how am i doing,

asked me to slp early and all.

sometimes i really wish not to be the eldest.

i really wish to be weak at times,

i also needed a shoulder to rely on.

but that shoulder is gone.

i only have myself.

maybe heartbreak and loneliness is only what i should have in this life.

i died.
9:52 PM

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

even just to look at you from far.

i died.
1:33 PM

went to sentosa siloso beach to have picnic with christina and wafi today!

so nice of them to prepare food and all to celebrate my belated birthday.

it felt nice to lie down and look at the stars and the coconut tree.

this is almost like the first time.

first time felt that the sky and stars is beautiful in singapore.

on the way there,

we passed by a ride..

where it looked like a bench and looked like the 'sky ride'

and immediately,

i thought of you..

at that moment when i looked at the ride,

i was drawn to it.

i looked at it while thinking of you,

and i sort of imagine us sitting on it,

how it would be like?

if only i graduated earlier,

i would have went there with you..

and maybe,

we would be smiling happily at each other,

holding hands or maybe i would be in your arms.

and we would be watching the sunset together.

but all of that will only happen in my dreams and my illusions..

a lot of times i thought,

should i msg you and stuff?

should i try to get you back?

but how?

and if i really keep on pestering you,

i'm afraid that i might pissed you off or make you irritated.

and knowing that you are wore out.

how can i make it worse for you?

or maybe,

there is someone else that you met.

that can give you the happiness that i can never give you.

sign~

i really miss you a lot.

i'm really lost..

without you~

i died.
12:32 AM

Monday, May 23, 2011

haix....

looking at your fb profile again..

you changed your picture to the one i loved.

almost tear when i saw it.

but i have to control my tears..

everyday,

i have been waiting for some news of you..

on fb..

and you sound happy.

i guess you r really happier without me..

met austin yst since he had nth on like me as well...

we went for lunch at clarke quay which reminds me of you.

wanted to walk over to your workplace since you are not working today..

but afraid of crying when i look into the memories...

i went to your workplace twice..

and both times with heavy feelings..

both times i'm afraid that you might not want to see me.

both times shivering as well.

and then we walked aimlessly and talked about his work at pan pac.

and then i thought to myself..

i told you so!!!

hotel life is not what we expected...

in restaurant, we learn more..

even though we don't see as much..

and i'm also surprised that he knew my two close friends..

even hated one of them..

i was like laughing.

the one he hate is very close to me loh!!

she's actually very kind in nature..

he will have to find out more himself.

and then we went to one of the places that i loved to chill out alone at.

The chocolate cafe,

i wanted to bring you to..

but i no longer have the chance..

for so many times i regretted..

i regretted working so hard and not spending more time with you.

now that i'm more free,

i wanted to bring you to so many places..

but.....

i no longer can.

sign...

and then we went to harris nxt door to have a drink..

he seriously cannot drink..

just a few sips of alcohol and he is red..

hahahaha!

oh well..

cant blame that he is still underage to drink.

and we went to marina barrage..

that place is so beautiful at night..

and suddenly i thought about you too..

its like every min and every sec..

everywhere i go..

i hoped that i can go with you.

but..

i guess i can only dream about that.

haix.

talked a lot to austin..

from work to life,

to love and to friends..

after knowing so much..

i think my brother is mature already..

he should really try talking to girls more..

he cant be waiting for miracle to happen..

oh well..

he's stubborn.

there's lots on my mind after talking to austin for the whole day yst..

and i thought..

at least i had memories with you..

yes..

there are regrets.

and i still want you.

i still can't let go.

but i can't be selfish..

if there is a next life,

i would want our love to last.

i would trade my life now for that if necessary.

and i will wait for you in our next life.

and that time..

i won't hesitate or shy to tell you that..

I Love You Baby..

and i always do..

since the previous life when i met you.

guess you will never know about this ba..

i died.
12:44 PM

Thursday, May 19, 2011

haix...

was wondering what u are doing right now..

ended work and on your way home?

or are you already home?

sitting at our spot on the sofa..

and suddenly felt so cold and empty..

sometimes i really want to run away from everything.

or maybe get out of this world.

every time when i cross the road,

i almost thought of just walk and let the car bang me.

maybe ending my life,

is ending my misery.

but i know..

running and doing such things are stupid.

sometimes i wish i can just die out of a sudden..

den maybe i could follow you around.

but i know i will have to go someday.

i guess i'm just plain naive.

i died.
10:54 PM

baby..

do you miss me like i miss you?

i guess you don't anymore..

do you still read those messages and look at those pictures that we took together?

i guess they are kept away to stop it from reminding you about me.

do you still look at the album that i made for you?

and the scarf i made for you?

will you wear the watch that i bought for you?

i guess they are all kept away.

i keep working so hard till i'm exhausted.

but...

i still can't forget..

once everyday..

i would either look at the things u wrote to me,

or look at those sweet messages that u sent me.

saying that you missed me..

and look at those pictures..

every sec,

even when i was doing something,

my mind just can't stop thinking about you..

all those memories we had..

and at the end of the day..

i will cry myself to slp...

when i see the music video yst i posted,

it always remind me of you and me..

even when they kissed..

i remember there is once we kissed and you stick your tongue out.

its almost identical.

你叫我要堅強,

但是你知道有多難吗?

我也要忘記你，

但我怎麼能忘記?

要我忘掉你就必須忘記我自己..

i promised to try to stay strong.

how can i be strong when u left me standing alone.

when i need someone to be there for me.

when i love you so much..

much more than i realized how much i really love you.

Baby..

i really miss you a lot.

i miss you hugging me in your arms.

i died.
7:37 PM