iluvmyprince

2011-06-17T20:16:00.000+08:00

it's been awhile since i've updated.
and also..
it's been awhile since we talked or met.
just went to see your fb and your profile picture is still the same.
my favorite picture.
wanted to know how u were these days.
but even if i asked you,
you would say life have been great.
it's like both of us are strangers who have just met.
it really hurts a lot.
yesterday talked to grandpa.
and told him that i've quit smoking.
yes....
i've really quit..
he asked me why the sudden thought..
and i really don't know why too.
and he asked me..
'still can't let go?'
i was like...
i really don't know too.
once in awhile you will suddenly appear in my mind.
and all our memories will start to flash by in my mind as well.
then he said i haven let go of you.
and now that he mentioned..
i realized that i still love you.
it's just that i've suppressed my feelings for you.
and put them to the back of my mind.
as for the heart..
it's numbed.
and the feelings are well kept inside..
in a drawer inside my heart and it's safe and locked nicely.
i miss you.
i really do.

2011-05-29T21:52:00.000+08:00

It's the 69th day since we broke up.

i'm surprised at how fast time passed.

it's like it just happened yesterday.

and it feels like it's just the day before that we were cuddling lovingly.

I missed you so much baby.

too much that i've lost myself to time.

and i've lost my life.

it seems like there is no meaning to me anymore.

everyday i'll just go to work.

the same routine on and on.

whether or not to go out on with off day doesn't seemed to bother me.

everyday i've been missing you and thinking of you.

will you miss me?

will you have to urge to hug me tight again?

I really don't know anymore.

it's like i'm already numb.

my heart is no longer with me anymore.

i no longer feel myself.

someone once told me that maybe i'm sent down by god to help people.

but I'm not an angel..

i'm still human.

i still need someone to help me,

someone to give me the sense of security,

someone to care for me,

someone who will try to understand me and talk to me if they have doubts,

someone who never want to let me go,

someone whom i loved too..

and ofcox,

someone who will love me for who i am.

I'm really tired..

I don't know how long i can take this..

standing alone.

and facing all these alone.

mom is going back to thailand next year end for good.

and that means a divorce with my dad.

she asked me to take good care of my sisters for her.

but how am i going to do that when both of them are still so childish and lazy.

giving me attitude which i really feel like giving each of them one tight slap on the face.

telling them to bathe and wash their own dishes is like telling them to die..

i have to threaten them to get them on their heels.

seriously,

whether or not they bath is not doing me any good.

mom always tells me to look after them,

ask them to bathe and slp early and all.

asked me to remember to check all the things that has to be off or locked before going to slp.

even asked me to accompany my sister if they have homework and see if they needed any help.

but ofcox.

i have to be the last one to get to bed.

i'm really tired.

really.

when will she call me and ask how am i doing,

asked me to slp early and all.

sometimes i really wish not to be the eldest.

i really wish to be weak at times,

i also needed a shoulder to rely on.

but that shoulder is gone.

i only have myself.

maybe heartbreak and loneliness is only what i should have in this life.

2011-05-24T13:33:00.000+08:00

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

even just to look at you from far.

2011-05-24T00:32:00.000+08:00

went to sentosa siloso beach to have picnic with christina and wafi today!

so nice of them to prepare food and all to celebrate my belated birthday.

it felt nice to lie down and look at the stars and the coconut tree.

this is almost like the first time.

first time felt that the sky and stars is beautiful in singapore.

on the way there,

we passed by a ride..

where it looked like a bench and looked like the 'sky ride'

and immediately,

i thought of you..

at that moment when i looked at the ride,

i was drawn to it.

i looked at it while thinking of you,

and i sort of imagine us sitting on it,

how it would be like?

if only i graduated earlier,

i would have went there with you..

and maybe,

we would be smiling happily at each other,

holding hands or maybe i would be in your arms.

and we would be watching the sunset together.

but all of that will only happen in my dreams and my illusions..

a lot of times i thought,

should i msg you and stuff?

should i try to get you back?

but how?

and if i really keep on pestering you,

i'm afraid that i might pissed you off or make you irritated.

and knowing that you are wore out.

how can i make it worse for you?

or maybe,

there is someone else that you met.

that can give you the happiness that i can never give you.

sign~

i really miss you a lot.

i'm really lost..

without you~

2011-05-23T12:44:00.000+08:00

haix....

looking at your fb profile again..

you changed your picture to the one i loved.

almost tear when i saw it.

but i have to control my tears..

everyday,

i have been waiting for some news of you..

on fb..

and you sound happy.

i guess you r really happier without me..

met austin yst since he had nth on like me as well...

we went for lunch at clarke quay which reminds me of you.

wanted to walk over to your workplace since you are not working today..

but afraid of crying when i look into the memories...

i went to your workplace twice..

and both times with heavy feelings..

both times i'm afraid that you might not want to see me.

both times shivering as well.

and then we walked aimlessly and talked about his work at pan pac.

and then i thought to myself..

i told you so!!!

hotel life is not what we expected...

in restaurant, we learn more..

even though we don't see as much..

and i'm also surprised that he knew my two close friends..

even hated one of them..

i was like laughing.

the one he hate is very close to me loh!!

she's actually very kind in nature..

he will have to find out more himself.

and then we went to one of the places that i loved to chill out alone at.

The chocolate cafe,

i wanted to bring you to..

but i no longer have the chance..

for so many times i regretted..

i regretted working so hard and not spending more time with you.

now that i'm more free,

i wanted to bring you to so many places..

but.....

i no longer can.

sign...

and then we went to harris nxt door to have a drink..

he seriously cannot drink..

just a few sips of alcohol and he is red..

hahahaha!

oh well..

cant blame that he is still underage to drink.

and we went to marina barrage..

that place is so beautiful at night..

and suddenly i thought about you too..

its like every min and every sec..

everywhere i go..

i hoped that i can go with you.

but..

i guess i can only dream about that.

haix.

talked a lot to austin..

from work to life,

to love and to friends..

after knowing so much..

i think my brother is mature already..

he should really try talking to girls more..

he cant be waiting for miracle to happen..

oh well..

he's stubborn.

there's lots on my mind after talking to austin for the whole day yst..

and i thought..

at least i had memories with you..

yes..

there are regrets.

and i still want you.

i still can't let go.

but i can't be selfish..

if there is a next life,

i would want our love to last.

i would trade my life now for that if necessary.

and i will wait for you in our next life.

and that time..

i won't hesitate or shy to tell you that..

I Love You Baby..

and i always do..

since the previous life when i met you.

guess you will never know about this ba..

2011-05-19T22:54:00.000+08:00

haix...

was wondering what u are doing right now..

ended work and on your way home?

or are you already home?

sitting at our spot on the sofa..

and suddenly felt so cold and empty..

sometimes i really want to run away from everything.

or maybe get out of this world.

every time when i cross the road,

i almost thought of just walk and let the car bang me.

maybe ending my life,

is ending my misery.

but i know..

running and doing such things are stupid.

sometimes i wish i can just die out of a sudden..

den maybe i could follow you around.

but i know i will have to go someday.

i guess i'm just plain naive.

2011-05-19T19:37:00.001+08:00

baby..

do you miss me like i miss you?

i guess you don't anymore..

do you still read those messages and look at those pictures that we took together?

i guess they are kept away to stop it from reminding you about me.

do you still look at the album that i made for you?

and the scarf i made for you?

will you wear the watch that i bought for you?

i guess they are all kept away.

i keep working so hard till i'm exhausted.

but...

i still can't forget..

once everyday..

i would either look at the things u wrote to me,

or look at those sweet messages that u sent me.

saying that you missed me..

and look at those pictures..

every sec,

even when i was doing something,

my mind just can't stop thinking about you..

all those memories we had..

and at the end of the day..

i will cry myself to slp...

when i see the music video yst i posted,

it always remind me of you and me..

even when they kissed..

i remember there is once we kissed and you stick your tongue out.

its almost identical.

你叫我要堅強,

但是你知道有多難吗?

我也要忘記你，

但我怎麼能忘記?

要我忘掉你就必須忘記我自己..

i promised to try to stay strong.

how can i be strong when u left me standing alone.

when i need someone to be there for me.

when i love you so much..

much more than i realized how much i really love you.

Baby..

i really miss you a lot.

i miss you hugging me in your arms.

2011-05-19T00:17:00.000+08:00

a few more mins to the end of today..

from yesterday,

till now,

i've been waiting for your birthday message.

have you forgotten?

or just can't be bothered?

its been a month,

are you living life to the fullest?

are you happier now?

i guess you are.

miss you still..

every min and every sec..

i still rmb what i told you before..

even if its just a stroll in the park,

it would be blissful..

do you still feel that way?

i still do..

till now,

i still don't receive your birthday wish..

i really miss you a lot..

i really do.

we said to celebrate each other's birthday and the next valentines day together..

i thought i will be celebrating my birthday with you..

but then..

i'm still alone..

my heart still hurts a lot.

i still cry sometimes in the middle of the night when i think of you.

whatsapp you just now,

and know u are doing well.

i'm glad..

you asked me if i'm doing well,

i said i'm probably the same..

but actually..

deep inside,

i'm not good at all..

i feel miserable without having you in my arms.

i still love you.

and i guess you don't feel the same anymore..

2011-05-07T12:12:00.000+08:00

it's been 2 weeks since i last saw you and talked to you..

today is supposed to be our 4th month.

time passed really fast..

i really don't know how i could survive this two weeks.

all i did was to work and work and work till i got really sick.

its like even when i was working,

your face will pop up.

things that they say..

reminds me of you.

i ever joked with grandpa and say he's cute.

and our conversation is almost identical to what we said before.

and then he said something about 'niu lang zhi nu'..

that made it worse.

and yesterday,

one of the friends where we got to know at work said what i used to cal u..

moomoo..

everytime when these happens,

its like i have to force myself to smile.

everytime i read the 'love bible' and the 2 letter that u wrote for me.

tears will roll down automatically.

uncontrollable.

what we once had..

how have you been?

do u still miss me?

did you wear the watch?

i guess i'm the only one that is suffering now.

now that my internship is over.

after my referal,

should i leave this country for good?

"No matter where we go, what matters is that we are tgt holding hands.. even if we are just taking a stroll in the park, it would be blissful.."

Do you still feel this way? I do..

2011-04-24T13:18:00.000+08:00

after thinking & crying for the whole night...

i've decided to just bring the watch to you and give it to you..

wanted to give you on the day itself.

but then..

the day won't be coming anymore..

i plucked up the courage to write whatever that is in my heart to you.

when i reached that place,
i was like....
shivering.
i dun know y either..
i'm nervous..
too nervous i guess.
went to a corner and wait..
and den he walked past..
i snapped up that sec and waited for him to come back out.
and he did shortly after..
at that moment,
i really dunno how to react..
i just passed it to him and den said bye.
he took it,
and it was almost like he smiled.
but i'm not sure.
didn't really dare to look up at him.
when he went in..
i almost run up to hug him..
but.....
ended up walking back.
my hands felt so cold...
and then i went straight to work..
i really miss mummy alot....
i called her in the morning when i cool down a little and stopped crying..
but when the moment i hear her voice,
i started crying again..
i told her what happened..
and she comfort me..
even call me after my work to see if i was ok..
i really miss her a lot..
when will she come back from thailand?
and i really miss you..
a lot..
everything i do,
everywhere i go,
everything i see,
reminds me of you.
;-(

2011-04-23T03:19:00.000+08:00

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But its killing me to see you go after all this time.

Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie,
Its the kinda ending you dont really wanna see.
Cause its tragedy and itll only bring you down,
Now I dont know what to be without you around.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesnt work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Its two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost my life(my love).
Hope you know its not easy,
Easy for me.
Its two a.m.
Feelin like I just lost my life(my love).
Hope you know this aint easy,
Easy for me.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

Ohhh

I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

it's really time to say goodbye this time..

it could have been our forth month in two weeks time.

i have been waiting for that day to come.

but now its like there is nth for me to look forward to.

stupid girl.

why do u keep looking at your phone?

stop cheating yourself..

stop waiting for messages that will no longer pop up.

it's over..

you have to let go..

only by letting go of him,

then he will find his true happiness.

if you don't let go,

u will only make it worse for him and yourself.

everyday i'm only been waiting for that one day..

but now,

there is nth to look forward to..

as for the trip back to thailand..
you don't have to cancel it..
you can always go alone..
like how you wonder about just few days back..
there's nth to be afraid of..
don't be afraid to slp alone in the hotel..
you still have pillows..
nth has changed!
wake up!
just go back to how u live before this started.
aren't you best at this?
aren't you already used to it already?
yes..
something you said is true..
love isn't everything..
but you are part of me..
i will still be here if you need me..
我对你的愛是不能被切割的。
愛的中间是个心;
如果心被切割了,人也就死了.
to cut you off is just like cutting off my heart.
baby..
i no longer have the right to cal you that anymore..
i will never be able to hug u tight in my arms anymore.
i will never be able to lie on your chest and hear your heartbeat anymore.
i will never be able to kiss and touch you anymore.
i will never be able to look at you when you sleep beside me anymore.
cox you will never sleep beside me anymore.
i will never be able to cook for you and watch you eat like a xiao hai zi and laugh at how cute and naive you look anymore.
i will never be able to feel you touch or scratch me anymore.
i will never have to wipe my hands anymore..
cox there won't be anyone to 'lick' my hand.
i will never be able to receive a message saying that you miss me.
and now,
every time i see our time..
there won't be any meaning to it anymore.
you are not him,
you will never turn to become like him..
you are one of a kind,
the one and only that cannot be replaced in my heart.
no one can ever replace you.
you might feel that i'm not as happy as i should be when i met you.
but truth is..
i am very very very very very happy.
i may not smile to you like how i smile to the others.
thats cox i still miss you even when you are right beside me.
i'm not very good at expressions..
i often show the opposite way of how i'm really feeling..
please take good care of yourself..
i really need you to be safe and sound.
and please be happy..
becox my mood revolves around you.
I Love You baby.

2011-04-23T01:21:00.004+08:00

2011-04-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry baby..

for hurting you..

for everything..

the way i talk misled you..

i guess even explaining to you doesn't help anymore.

i can only say that i really love you alot..

i really do..

i really hope after talking this out and we can start afresh..

i'm still hoping to spent every min and every sec with you back in thailand.

i really do.

2011-04-22T00:29:00.000+08:00

yeah...

i knew long ago that things has changed..

situation changes and so does ppl..

becox we always change with the situation..

3 months and two weeks..

we hav come this far with lots of happy and sad moments.

there will be doubts and uncertainty of feelings..

so do i..

but when i'm sure of my feelings towards you,

you no longer feel the same..

i didn't expect this to happen so fast..

we haven really spend time tgt due to work and etc.

i haven really got to know you yet.

always,

everyday all i was waiting for is your msges showing me that you are around and feeling you here.

and then i would always be waiting for sunday to come..

its the only time that i got to spend time with you.

even just for a few hours.

its nv enough for me..

never enough hugging you..

never enough looking at you.

maybe i don't know you enough..

but am i given a chance?

we hardly even talk..

but i will sure know it when you r moody or when there is something wrong.

you will become cold all of a sudden..

do you know how much it hurts?

to always get only replies that i don't even know how to ans,

your replies will only be LOL or yup..

i really don't know how to talk to you..

looking back at all the msgs that we once had,

its like a total different person.

back then,

you will be smiling at almost all of my messages.

and then every now and then,

you will say you miss me..

i still remember all the things that you ever said that moved me..

that i hav no barrier against you.

that i wanted to rely on you.

one that i will never forget is that,

you said..

i may look very strong on the outside but deep down i'm fragile and i also yearn for someone to love me.

then you said that you hav the urge to protect me.

at that moment,

i know I've already fallen in...

and every time you hugged me,

i wished that you will never let go of me.

sometimes i don't understand why..

why when everything was fine and you will start to think a lot.

whether we are really suited for each other,

whether we are happy together.

i really dun care whether we hav different characteristics..

i'm not having a mirror for my bf..

i feel happiness being with you..

and that i do love you..

thats all i care about.

maybe..

you don't love me anymore..

i don't know..

you said you still have feelings for me..

but i can see that its definitely not love.

and it won't be the same anymore.

we had our first valentine's day together..

we spent our first month together..

the other two months we can't even see each other.

but its not both our fault.

how will our forth month be like?

or we won't even last till our forth month?

how will my this year's birthday be like?

will you be singing birthday song to me?

or will i be singing 'happy birthday to me' again,

alone in kbox..

you said maybe you are not good for me..

or is it that i'm not good enough for you?

it hurts to keep getting the same thing from you..

how very straightforward you are.

when i just joked around with you about you thinking that i cheated on you.

you said that you will just leave me and won't look back

or listen to any explanation..

and even said 'don't worry'..

that was really harsh..

and that was when i know that you don't really love me..

i asked you why..

all i got from you was..

'' i don't know ''

i really don't need you to promise me anything

or give me anything in return..

all i asked for is the love that is truly from your heart when you did love me..

and just not think about all those things.

you said you can't promise me forever,

but you will treasure every single sec with me..

but..

did you?

if you did,

why would you think of whether we are really suited for each other..

how much tears that i've shed..

is nth compared to the pain in my heart..

but you never know..

and ofcox..

i will never let you know..

i'll still be that strong girl..

that strong girl that you know who is fragile inside..

but how fragile?

i know myself.

guess i'm still back to square one..

and guess you'll still turn into another joevin..

but that's what i've already known from the start.

2011-04-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

i really dunno what the hell i've been thinking these few days..
i think i'm like crazy or something..
should i say that its just my luck?
first..
i've let baby down.
and then there is the incident where i have to call the police..
and the next day was worse..
early in the morning..
standard..
singaporeans..
i almost scream and shout at them...
& lawrance with his crow mouth..
he said i was having pms..
nxt few hours,
i realized that i'm having menses..
but holy crap..
i didn't bring my 'bread'..
good thing that i met a friend who has it.
then the next morning,
i have to wake up like damn early,
Qing Ming Festival...
talked to cousin jing hui alot..
its his first time there.
even though he's the oldest of us all..
and then went to granny's place..
its no doubt the simplest and most relaxing place.
a place that i loved.
if only it was still that old 5-room flat..
all my childhood memories are there.
but i was happy with my granny..
she cooked my fav soup of all times...
i left at abt 7pm..
didn't know how i went home..
but i took bus..
and it took me 2 hours...
my mind was blank...
thinking mostly about him..
don't know what i'm thinking about too.
guess i was having pms..
and then today...
my menses hurt so badly that i can't go for production..
=/
but all i thought was what was on his mind..
what can i do to appease him..
i really dunno...
den i decided to just go over to his workplace and just pass it to him..
and see how it goes..
walked alot today..
from clarke quay to chinatown and back to clarke quay again..
and took a cab to magazine rd..
saw chee peng,
so i passed it to him..
doubt he wants to see me too..
walked one big round back to clarke quay again..
almost fainted on the way..
haha..
but good thing i didn't.
since i've got no where to go..
so i decided to just walk around..
walking from clarke quay to raffles,
and from raffles to esplanade,
and from esplanade to marina square,
and then decided to just walk around at marina..
time seems to pass very fast..
and then went to cityhall to take a train home...
regret...
now my foot hurt...
=/
good thing that everything is ok now..

2011-02-21T21:35:00.001+08:00

well well well..

i don't know why but i still gotta say i knew this would come one day.

i'm a psychic?

maybe i am..

i knew that u have feelings for him..

from the way u look at him,

the way u ask me about him,

and what i heard.

i'm not that simple girl..

dun underestimate me..

i didn't want to say out because i care about you,

and i love you as a sister.

and vice versa..

i love him too..

maybe my frequency of love and jealousy might not be the same..

but i can say that being tgt with him,

not that i would be jealous..

because i trust him..

why i didn't say a word..

if one day,

the two of you really got together,

i wouldn't blame anyone of you..

毕竟感情是不能勉强的..

but i assure you that i wont do anything.

2011-01-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

从什么时候,

我开始在依赖你..

从什么时候,

我的视线离不开你..

又是从什么时候,

我会等着你的来电,

傻傻的对着电话笑..

想着我们的一切又发呆又傻笑..

我的棒棒糖!

我的宝贝!

我的男人!

我爱的人~~~

很想你!

你知道吗?!!!

2011-01-13T23:08:00.000+08:00

today dear came to my place again..

told mummy abt it.

too bad she didn't come back an hour earlier..

if not she would be able to see him alrd.

somemore tel me to take pic and send her..

wth!

haha.

while watching the movie,

he hugged me..

idk y..

i feel very safe..

that i was able to fall asleep in his arms.

but i didn't...

holding him closer to me seemed like a good way to go..

was finally able to just talk to him..

but ofcox..

we still like to 'suan' each other..

but things were not that bad as i thought it will be though.

not that awkward..

and becox he lost his way here.

so funny!

my bf is a 'road eat' = 'lu chi'..

haha..

just like me.. heh. :x

2011-01-12T22:07:00.005+08:00

i'm really starting to know what love is all about..

it's about you being together with me..

i'm starting to know what happiness is all about..

it's about holding you in my arms..

and i love you even deeper as each day pass..

what is the past?!

when i see your face in everyday of my future..

what is hurt?!

when i only feel safe and blissful with you..

dear.

just want to let you know how happy i am to have met you..

and how glad i am that i'm able to take the step out.

and that i really do love you.
even though everything started out being awkward..
but sometimes..
silent means something..
like how we didn't talk but ended up cuddling on the couch..
words is not as important as actions..
becox actions speaks louder than words..

2011-01-10T22:44:00.000+08:00

i thought my tears are dried ever since i cried too much for joe.

and then yst..

something he said...

that made me think whether it's true or not.

becox of what he said,

how am i supposed to hold back?

how am i supposed to not fall deeper for him?

well..

something about what i always say is true though..

nv judge a book by its cover...

he seemed so shy and all...

but he's god damn sweet!

haha...

my sugar boy.

2011-01-09T22:44:00.000+08:00

dear..

don't treat me too well.

if not i really don't know how to say goodbye when its time..

in fact, i really don't deserve you..

many things about me you still don't know.

this few days of happiness is really enough for me already..

and i felt contented alrd.

the feeling of being loved..

and a dream that i will wake up from one day.

2011-01-08T18:26:00.001+08:00

its been almost a month that i haven blogged..

so much things has happened..

just before i thought he hated me...

becox of that misunderstanding..

but then now..

all so sudden..

i was attached...

6 years...

i've been living in misery..

thinking that nth will change..

and i'd still love joe..

but it seems that the gravity of my heart has changed to someone else..

sometimes i thought that god must be kidding with me..

i don't deserve such a person...

he don't smoke, drink, nor flirt..

and he's sweet.

although in reality, we don't talk much..

and i'm almost just the opposite of him..

will he regret?

will he change his mind after a week?

becox this is all new to me..

i knew that happiness won't just befall on me like that..

becox being happy is not in my life dictionary..
things won't be so smooth for me as it seems..
i have to control my heart though.
i can never put everything in...
becox god knows when i'll be punished again..
i'm sorry..
but its becox i'm afraid..
i might seemed strong..
but that's becox i didn't want to get hurt again.
and i don't want u to fall too deep too.
don't want to hurt u..
this is the way i love you.

2010-12-09T23:22:00.000+08:00

its been so long since i've even stepped into here.

been holding two jobs nowadays.

it's tiring..

but able to stop me from thinking about a lot of things.

but it wouldn't hold for long..

i had to get exhausted..

to feel nothing.

and ever since i stepped into this place..

memories came flashing back..

and new ones begin to form..

a new start..

but just as i thought..

i never had happy endings..

and again..

i got myself hurt again.

and again..

falling for someone once again.

or i should say that 'he' never left my heart.

its just that someone dropped by..

but left the window cracked..

seeing them right in front of me was hard enough..

but for him being hard with me is somewhat unbearable..

not as hard as 'him'..

but it was hard enough.

i made up my mind though.

to leave..

before it happens again...

2010-11-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

i wonder how long has it been since i blogged..

it has been a long time i guess.

its been very happening in production..

everybody doesn't seem to dislike me..

but they don't seem to really respect me either.

it's like i'm their friend more than an sft..

well...

i'd rather be friends than someone not more than an sft..

everyday just pass unknowingly..

it's like that day is just yesterday...

been the second month since i saw him...

long enough to forget how he looked like.

long enough to forget how his eyes had me..

and long enough to forget how his warmth felt to me..

this 2 months,

i've spent time with my cousins from Thailand,

my beloved sister; Audrey,

my love; Jac,

my darling; Rose,

my women; Dianne,

not forgetting the many peeps who light up my life like wafi, chris & pek..

and of course,

my fellows in production..

i've cut my hair real short..

it signifies a new day,

new hairstyle,

new life,

new beginning,

and a new me..

no more pondering over someone who doesn't love me the way i love him..

even though it hurts just so much..

even though i miss him too much..

and even though he is rooted in my heart.

i'm glad..

that he didn't hurt me the way others were hurt.

and we remained the same.

not awkward anymore i guess.

and there seemed to have someone else coming in too..

which i'm not so sure about.

oh well..

there is an upcoming singing competition, JYP!

i wonder if i should join..

but its been so long since i sang..

which means i haven been singing..

though its my dream..

but..

i don't know..

2010-10-24T22:20:00.000+08:00

how long has it been that i've blogged?!

it has been awhile i guess.

have been busy with work..

and i don't really bother to use the computer at all..

cox everytime i use,

i just get more disappointed,

cox when i saw the things on his profile..

it just make me devastated.

oh well..

i had a great time with audrey today..

its been awhile since we done all that..

feels great to have to do all that once in awhile.

and now...

even without him...

i'll live better..

becox..

i look so good,

without u..

i will still carry on with my life..

and i will live a better life..

2010-10-13T19:10:00.000+08:00

what a surprise..

the first thing that i saw when i logged in to fb,

is the change of his status..

yeah..

finally, he's attached..

maybe that dream that i had from yesterday is trying to tel me this..

i don't know why..

but i dream of him..

and then i saw this little thing that has the shape of a baby not fully formed,

and is framed up..

then slowly, the image is clearer..

it was my baby..

that i had abort.

and its his child too.

and that he had abandoned us.

once in awhile,

i would feel pain in the stomach or somewhere near that area..

reminding me of my child.

that i killed him/her with my own hands..

and then the image is all red..

his face..

still the same,

so vivid.

i can even smell my child..

like its taking revenge,

asking me why..

then i woke up..

its all showing now..

that he has found someone..

to lay in his arms..

to kiss him good night..

and its time now..

to let go of him..

and then again...

i wish him happiness.

like before...

always..

2010-10-11T19:55:00.000+08:00

its been awhile..

in 3 more days,

it'll be exactly a month away from his birthday..

time really flies..

i've been keeping myself busy in either school or dramas..

but recently,

something happened that i almost suffer a breakdown..

i was only relieved to see that after a week or so,

my grandmother is able to recover and able to recuperate at home rather than the hospital.

hopefully,

she will have a full recovery soon..

2010-09-21T00:49:00.000+08:00

i've lost count on how long i've loved you or how long i've longed and hope for you.

every time you never fail to break my heart,

neither did you fail to bring back the pieces into a whole.

missed you every single second..

today was the first day i went back to school to become an Sft for the time being.

everything was alright.

i felt weird though.

don't really like some of the people there..

but oh well...

i bet they don't really like me either.

but one of them really caught my attention..

his pattern is exactly like 'him'..

every move and the way he talk somehow.

he resembles 'him' as well..

the only thing is that 'he' is darker, thinner and more gentleman.

with his shadow around in production..

i often went blank..

i really missed you..

so much that i can't even feel it sometimes.

and when i saw what you post on your fb..

it shatters my heart somehow.

is it meant for me?

that you saw my status and msn?

and that was your reply...

'don't look back, what you get is only regrets'

;(

2010-09-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

days passes in a flash..

its almost like it was just yesterday..

that it happened again..

that was the Tuesday that just passed...

and now,

it was already Saturday going on Sunday..

saw that you had a party today..

which will be held till tomorrow..

thinking who you would be with,

thinking what will you be doing,

drinking perhaps?

i hope you won't drink so much though..

its bad for health..

i still remembered how you used to tell me,

don't drink too much and that its bad for health..

the first time is when i asked you for a meet up..

just the two of us..

after i watched the movie '2012'..

and the second time is when i asked him to join me in a drinking session,

with wayne, chris and wafi..

the first time is when he called me up..

i won't ever forget that day i guess...

its just inches to that door..

but he left me waiting outside..

the second time..

i didn't get to hear his voice.

but through message..

though i know..

that u see me as only a friend..

well..

i just can't stop my heart for beating for you..

i should already have stop it..

i shouldn't have went to see you since i've ran away that Tuesday..

but you fool me again..

i know all these..

is just my one-sided love..

i shouldn't have..

2010-09-15T02:29:00.000+08:00

today or is should say, yesterday is his birthday.

me and rose went over to clarke quay at about 2 plus going to 3,

to pass him the cake...

and the bear that i made..

at first when we reached there,

rose called him and ask him where he is,

and i heard that he was already at his workplace and he asked who rose is with,

rose said 'someone..'

and he said 'ok.. i know already'.

i was like..

somehow heart broken-ed...

maybe i thought too much..

but somehow..

my mind tels me that his reaction was...

sien... 'knew it was her..'

at that moment..

i thought..

i'll just let rose pass the things to him..

so this way,

he wont get to see me..

but who knows..

he and rose came looking for me..

i caught a glimpse of him..

panic..

so i act like i saw something..

and went running for it..

then i went to get ice-cream..

rose told me that he was shouting for when i ran..

but well.

maybe my mind was thinking of running away from him..

so i heard nothing..

then rose told me that he went back,

and also told him that i didn't want to see him.

then she gave me that look...

and ask me why i'm like running away..

i lied..

saying that i wanna get ice-cream..

she saw through me i think..

and when she told me that he came just to say thanks..

but because i ran away,

so he went back..

my heart ached.

i wonder how he would feel at that time..

so no matter how i really don't want to see him,

i still went...

though i fear that i would be back to square one..

i was at the door step,

looking in..

and when he looked up,

that moment i will never forget..

like..

'ei!~ blink blink'

to me...

the first thing that came to mind about his reaction is that:

his face brightens up when he saw me..

well.

i know its just my wishful thinkings..

that moment when i saw him..

i knew all my effort gone down in drain..

just because i don't want him to feel bad.

haix...

he came out..

and was like asking...

where i went..

and i said i went to buy ice-cream..

he was like..

'IS IT....'

maybe he knew..

did my face and actions betray me?

hmmm..

oh...

and he said..

'i thought u grow taller, but when i saw your heels.. i was like.. ok..'

i can't recall the exact thing he said.

but that was the meaning..

i was like..

erms....

yeah..

then i went to sit beside rose..

and he started talking to rose...

so i sit down quietly..

trying to look away.

i knew he looked at me a few times..

i can't help but to do the same too..

then daddy called...

phew~

so before he even finish smoking..

i stood up and hover rose that its time to leave.

i don't know how to explain that scene..

but it was..

awkward..

normally i would wait for him to finish his cig.

and watch him go back in..

but this time..

it was his turn to watch me as i go..

maybe this is really the time to say goodbye..

i wanted to badly to hug him just now.

haix...

i thought i've forgotten..

maybe its just like what chris said..

forgiven is not forgotten..

but for me..

running away is not forgotten..

and i can't believe that i still tear..

for him..

just can't get today off my mind..

i brought this upon myself...

at least he likes the cake..

and he appreciate the effort that i put in for the bear that looks like a rat.

i wonder what he's thinking all this while..

2010-09-12T23:43:00.000+08:00

Strawberry Mousse cake that me and rose made for him..
(top view)

a bear the i sewn for him from scratch..

been awhile since i've blogged..
ever since i've resigned..
i have been going out a lot lately..
and the worst thing is that i haven even got my salary..
stupid company!
well...
have been watching drama and stuff..
enjoying my life..
but time seems to fly..
two weeks gone just like that..
have been meeting rose a lot lately too..
and going out with my cousin to havoc..
haa!
oh..
two more days is his birthday..
yeah..
him...
i know i have to forget him.
and i said i would.
but well.
its his birthday.
so i just acted out as a friend..
and a last goodbye gift for him..
wanted to go down to give him today with rose.
but of cause..
he won't see me..
i will hide somewhere else while rose pass the things to him..
naive and stupid..
i know...
well...
at least i can practice my sewing skills and my baking skills..
haa.
my sewing skills are still there..
and my baking improved!
well.
at least my cake now looks more edible.
hahahaha.
oh well..

to someone special

2010-09-07T00:12:00.001+08:00

to someone special
i came across this message that i thought i would never receive again in my life.

first reaction is that i was shocked.

but i was glad too.

if you are reading this..

actually, i too..

haven stopped thinking and keeping track about your daily life.

well...

maybe in a few years time when we all have settled down..

we will forget about what had happened and start afresh.

and you too...

remember what i always tell u..

don't rely or trust in anyone but yourself.

no one will treat u the way u want them to..

no one will love u that much as u love them..

becox most of them is just there cause they need you.

"love you cause they need you & not need you cause they love you."

do love yourself more and protect yourself more.

don't care about what others might say or stab you when at work.

because in this society, its always like that.

don't party too much though..

afterall..

its not that good..

and i will remember your last words..

and i will always remember the good times we had rather than the bad ones..

love you~

2010-09-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

hmmm...

actually i am just confused all over again.

i don't really know what is on my mind exactly.

this 2 days i've been going down to scape..

and yeah.

the funny thing about yesterday is that i wore my wig.

no one actually realize it.

and then there is these 3 men sitting in white dog cafe keep staring at me.

they actually offered me and vivian a glass of wine each.

haa!

so funny..

the way evangeline describe at how their eyes follow where i go..

this was the first time someone offered me a drink in a cafe.

though normally it would be in a pub.

but yeah.

that felt good.

haha.

they say i looked better in short hair.

well.

i trimmed my hair today.

so that i won't have split ends!!!

and went to scape again cox mom wants to get something.

and i'm really broke!!!

my card got no balance left..

and i'm like.

omg!

thank god i still have a spare card.

haha.

and the worse part is..

we went for mac and i spent another 20..

this time..

i'm really left without a penny...

wow..

i sound so pathetic.

hopefully they bank in my allowance already...

if not...

i'm gonna make a hell lot of noise..

its the 7th of September already..

in exactly a week's time...

his birthday...

and me...

i was actually thinking of making him a cake..

yeah.

i am still stuck.

but i'm not like the other time.

this time is because of his birthday...

and it was a gift..

rather than making it due to love..

i can't deny that i still think of him at times..

and i'm thinking about sheng yi as well.

if i were to go to taiwan with vivian the other time..

my profession now would have been a fashion designer or a make up artist..

and i would have already be together with sheng yi..

and none of all these that happened would have happen..

well.

what's done is done..

there is nothing that can be changed..

haix.

thinking back.

i still love sheng yi..

but i loved joe now..

contradicting.

i don't even know what i'm thinking either..

2010-09-02T02:15:00.000+08:00

its been awhile since i've updated my blog.

its so happening this few weeks.

i had just resigned from white dog cafe..

it wasn't a big that issue at first.

but then apparently the OM wasn't happy that i could resign in 24hours.

and he is like picking on me..

and keep wanting me to give 2 weeks notice.

and argue with me about my contract.

its not even a contract anyway.

its just an agreement.

and they don't even pay me back my time or pay me for my time.

and also i have to do almost everything.

so fucked up.

i realized that i've changed so much..

i've become to be more and more autistic and emo.

i even can go sing alone in the kbox for an hour.

i wonder why i've become like that.

so stressed...

feeling depressed everyday.

feeling tired everyday.

haix....

talked to chris just now.

and yeah.

life suck...

relationship problems again somehow.

and i wonder..

what guys are really thinking.

well.

sometimes staying single is still the best though.

the only thing is that u will feel lonely all the time.

haix.

why do i still love him?!

i thought i had got him off my mind.

yeah..

its been a year..

how long more?!

i wonder.

his birthday is just around the corner.

i wanted to bake him a cake.

but then...

i dont know if i should.

haix.

confusing.

still gotta go back to sch..

headache.

2010-08-20T01:29:00.002+08:00

on top of orchard 'tower'..

the Awesome happy 3....

my dinner at shokudo... a pity that we didn't have the desert. =/

lunch at vivo's white dog cafe with chris.. PLATTER! (forgot to take the BIG burger..)

my fart face boy... miss him like crazy..

a pose that wafi instructed...

chris chris chris!!! (in cab)

i look.... diff... hahaha..

hmmm...

its been so long since i blogged..

yesterday was awesome!!

woke up at 8.30 in the morning and went for a jog with datou and thiviyan..

then went home and get ready..

i'm like so late..

but was glad that chris was not angry..

went to jp to meet her and also to settle some things about my phone..

but then...

oh well..

it was too late for me to get my unlimited messages..

guess i'll just get on with it..

and after that we went off to vivo to have lunch at white dog cafe..

they all are like...

haha.

i'm not like me..

lols.

guess they are just not used to me like this..

and then we went to harry's bar for a drink and POOL!!

the ppl there are too... shocked to see me like this..

haha.

opps.

guess i really changed a lot.

do i?

and finally...

wafi got off from work!!!

haha.

been waiting for that moment..

so me and chris took cab over to meet him at cineleisure..

sien.....

even off day oso have to go to that place..

oh well.

its wafi's wish..

haha.

went walking around cine..

got bored and went over to heeren...

then went back again to cine for dinner!!!

and as usual...

met laopa and ken at the usual place..

haha.

and of cause..

we chat for a while,

but well...

daddy will always be daddy..

got some drinks at cheers and then went over to old town coffee..

and he start his talk again.

we enjoy ourselves though..

at last!

CAM-WHORE!!!

how can we forget about what we all enjoy the most being together.

haha.

went to orchard central's roof top..

and.....

hahahahaha.....

there's just too much pictures to post... shall post this much..
and i cant deny that the both of them just look awesome!
love u guys!!

2010-08-14T02:35:00.000+08:00

yeah!!!

like finally.

lols..

i got my samsung GS..

haa!

coming up next, will be my DSLR cam..

wow.

its gonna cost me a bomb.

oh well.

i wanted it what.

so..

hahaha.

anyway....

today i was like late..

got to work and was hungry.

thinking of what i should eat for lunch later..

then....

like..

OMG!

alvin came in with a double cheeseburger and a bottle of orange juice..

i smile to him and wanna ask if he was so good that he got it for me.

and then he told me that it was from the security guard.

i was like..

ER....

what the..

and my stomach stop grumbling..

and i went blank..

does he really have to do this?

and then alvin told me that 'he' told him that next time when me and him were to get married,

he will have a few tables for all my friends to drink all they want and stuff.

i was like..

and alvin say that 'he' got a bit problem in the mind..

and i thought so too.

now that 'he' knows that i already have someone in mind..

i hope he don't bother me anymore.

can only be friends..

then at night..

i feel really guilty towards ah ken..

i was like...

knocked out.

he tried to wake me up for like 2 times.

i woke up to look at him and i went back to sleep.

and the funny thing was..

i dun even know i did that.

lol!

i totally cannot recall..

and i was asking ah ken y he didn't wake me up.

end up he say me.

haha.

opps!

i think i'm really tired ba..

2moro is a very long day.

i seriously dun feel like going to work..

my headache till now still not yet gone.

and i don't feel well.

but what to do?

i cant take mc..

not enough people..

just gotta endure..

2010-08-13T01:14:00.000+08:00

right!

i wonder what kind of luck i'm in now.

dunno whether to be happy or cry...

2day..

the business was 0 sales in the afternoon..

and i thought there wont be much at night.

but then....

BOOM!

there it goes.

and things are apparently not enough.

as usual..

got reprimanded again..

and den i went down for a puff to loosen the tension in my heart and head.

so that i won't breakdown..

as i was puffing..

there comes the security guard whom i was somehow..

'oh shit.. did i do something wrong?!'

and then he actually talked to me..

and like..

'wah. i was tired..'

he told me..

i was like..

oh..

ya.. same here.

and then he started to talk to me.

and asked me to be his gf..

i'm like..

shocked..

and wtf!

and then he was talking about me being his future wife.

and he calls me dear..

and he was like asking me for my picture for his 2 daughter to see.

telling them that i'll be their future mom..

wah.

i really dunno what to say.

and then after work..

went for a coffee at old town..

and went home with dad.

then when i got off the cab....

i vomit...

what a luck man!

should i be happy or sad?!

i also dunno.

headache ah.....

i dun wan any relationship now.............

just career...

cant handle it..

2010-08-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

yawns....

HAIX.............

omg!!!

time passes so fast!!!

and my off day gone soon..

not enough!!

was supposed to go gym with jac today in the morning.

but then...

due to me!!

we met at 1 plus instead.

slept at about 6am yesterday..

watched eclispe.

and 'vampire suck'

like wth!!!

how dare they insult twilight like that.

but then..

it was quite funny though.

so me and jac went to jp after i woke up..

and went to check my phone..

URGH!!!!!

my samsung galaxy out of stock..

but nvm..

i ordered alrd.

haha.

they will call me when they have the stock again.

so then we went to fish n co for lunch.

haa.

i was caught on the cam!

omg..

in her livejournal.

lol.

we had a platter and desert.

haa!! strawberry cheese cake!!!

and then went to courts..

to check the price of my DSLR cam..

wah..

for a starter kit...

it cost about a thousand three.

wah...

ex...

but in about 2 months time i can afford alrd.

woo~~

waiting...

shall work hard for everything..

jia you!:)

so suay today...

just now i almost fainted on the streets.

due to the sharp pain from my period.

saw jacemon when i was panting at the bus stop..

he looked diff..

maybe becox of his specs ba.

which is just an accessory.

lols.

hmm..

not much things are done today though.

but was ok.

haix.

my off day is ending soon..

2moro.....

2010-08-11T02:16:00.000+08:00

have been waiting for this moment for a damn long time...

OFF DAY!!!

ok..

maybe its just a week.

haha.

i'm just so tired....

its flowing like water tap..

i'm drained of blood.

lols..

started to read my new book..

penny jordon..

she's becoming to be my idol..

i wanna be someone like her..

independent..

strong woman.

she's my goal now..

urgh!!!!!!!!

i wished i could get both at the same time..

hahaha!

ok..

i'll get my phone first..

then wait for my cam...

2 months only!!

HPY!

u have to endure.

goods things can wait.

2010-08-10T00:46:00.000+08:00

happy birthday singapore!

well.

to me..

it feels like any other day..

nothing much.

work as usual..

the only thing that spoils my day is...

having menses on this day..

like wth!!!!!

pain, aches..

no strength..

but was glad that today went quite well.

at least there wasn't much customers and things to do.

so i can just sit there and relax a little and let the pain slowly go away.

still...

i cant seemed to take a peep at your profile or wondering what u might be doing at the moment.

but then..

i kicked it off when i enters into my mind half way..

i wish i could be bella..

a vampire.

with a talent like shield.

that way i could shield u away from my mind..

or like edward.

a mind reader.

so i can get into people's mind.

but that was all just imaginary.

oh well.

its better sometimes to let your imagination and thoughts run wild.

haix..

I WANT TO GET MY SAMSUNG GALAXY S & MY DSLR CAM!!!

but i can only get 1 at a time.

like wth.

have to wait for another 2 months to get the DSLR.

grr.

and then next year for my trip to thailand for shopping.

damn it.

have to save up alrd.

2010-08-09T01:16:00.000+08:00

finally,

i've been able to pluck up the courage to post the previous posts for the last 3 days.

looking through her pics & your wall.

i think sooner or later your will be together.

so i guess i'll just give you my blessing.

i know i'll still love u that much.

but still.

i won't be caring for u directly.

maybe i'll still be keeping track.

but then..

i'll limit myself till 3 months.

in this 3 months time,

i'll change myself.

inner and also my out look..

changing to be better.

which means a fresh start for me.

a new beginning,

and a new life..

i know chris and wafi will be proud of me.

i'll won't disappoint u guys.

2010-08-09T01:06:00.001+08:00

haix.

been able to post all these..

cox i don't have the courage to do so.

i'm afraid..

that one day,

my weakness will be seen through.

everyday...

i'm like putting a strong front..

even joke around with my sisters and laugh out loud with them.

my heart aches.

but who can see it?

can he see it?

can he feel it?

i knew very well that he don't give a damn about how i felt.

saw his fb.

with that girl.

well..

she gorgeous..

have a nice body,

nice skin,

she fits him much much much more than i do.

somehow,

i got the feeling that they were together now.

as in being together,

not bgr kind of together.

and if i'm not wrong,

she's at his place too.

waiting for him to finish bathing,

then go out and have supper together.

browsing through her blog.

the first pic was the both of them wearing the same ear mufflers in his car.

they look like a couple though.

i don't deny that i felt really damn hurt.

i still forced myself to smile and laugh.

i became so emo..

even went to kbox during my break time alone,

sang and drank alone in a spacious room.

haven had any meals today.

my breakfast is simply a little of the durian cake from thailand & a glass of ice coffee;

my lunch is a small bottle of Heineken;

had 2 - 3 pieces of wedges for snack;

and had a bottle of breezer peach for dinner..

guess this few days i won't have my appetite bah.

he posted the song above in his fb,

and yeah.

i loved this song..

it reminds me of myself.

how close it is to my heart.

like she sang my heart out.

sorrow..

this song..

and even my favorite flower.

was named after sorrow.

this is just the word for me.

2010-08-09T01:06:00.000+08:00

this few weeks has almost been my happiest days..

although its so happening..

and i got a lot of shit.

but he wasn't that cold towards me anymore.

i thought we were getting along better.

at least your replies are so much better.

sometimes u even 'report' to me somehow when i just told u i missed u.

its like u know what i'll ask next..

and u'll tel me about your injury.

knowing that you didn't feel well after u are back from oversea till now,

i woke up in the morning on my off day.

and use plenty of effort to cook porridge,

and bring it over to your workplace.

i knew all those is just my one-sided love for you.

knowing that gratitude is all u have for me.

and simply a phrase of thanks for your porridge..

i'm contented somehow.

just wanna be by your side.

even as a 'calafare' ; 'spare tire' or 'guardian angel'

that was b4 u somehow made it clear.

in your status..

'forget me, forget it, forget everything'

i knew its for me.

i knew this time u really made it clear for me.

i felt like my heart got stabbed so deeply,

blood oozing out,

and then its gone..

tears that should be rolling down my face,

gone the other way round..

going down to my stomach.

like i cant cry anymore.

how sad i am...

i still have to put on a strong front.

i know i'll still love u..

but i'll not bother u anymore.

but still..

i'll watch out for u though.

i'll go for a make over.

get a new look and style.

become a woman that is sexy, seductive & secretive.

maybe,

i'll have someone else by then..

my heart really aches...

;(

2010-07-30T16:29:00.000+08:00

today is her birthday.

wanted to wish her..

but i thought maybe not wishing her is a better choice.

if not i'll spoil her mood again.

so i'll just wish her happy birthday here.

wanted to get her a present.

but then again.

well.

nevermind.

been a few weeks since i saw him.

wanted to see him..

but i gotta control myself.

i'll be going on a holiday to bangkok on the 20th of august!!!

not confirmed but will be confirmed by tomorrow..

and how many people coming..

i asked him along.

don't know if he will come.

well..

i don't have high hopes on it.

shit man..

i was suppose to forget about him.

but then...

wtf!!

i did it again.

alright..

just waiting for the good news by tomorrow!

2010-07-13T01:51:00.004+08:00

distance brings people closer together

it can also prove how strong a relationship or friendship between people are

well.

thats what i think..

and so far..

yeah..

with vivian,

jac,

pk,

pek pek & friends,

puite,

yok san,

datou and click,

chris & wafi,

we all went fine..

we still loved and rely on each other.

for you..

maybe you think i don't care or bother about you.

why i'll meet jac, or chris, or pek pek..

its becox they come my work place to find me.

or you can also say that they are chasing after me.

but then..

maybe we are not meant to be.

i'm not a cold person.

neither do i wanna hurt you.

but i'm always there.

i may not msg you or cal you.

doesn't mean that i don't care.

in fact.

something you don't know.

whoever i went out with,

wherever i am,

you are always on my mind.

besides joe,

you are that someone whom i worried the most.

but you don't see it.

you can ask anyone,

even my chef..

they knows you.

and everytime i got slow and got scolded & stressed,

is becox half of my mind is thinking about how you are.

i didn't wanna say.

or explain.

at this period of time,

i'm really tired.

work has brought a lot of stress,

i'm like a soccer ball too..

like what milk has said.

being kicked around to wherever that needs people,

this,

i'm ok.

but the worst part is..

that general manager who likes to step in to the kitchen and make me headache.

and then there is that dirty old man who keeps bothering me.

and joe might be going for operation.

and my parent's problems,

i'm like a the filling of a sandwich..

then there's my sisters who gives my endless problems and headaches every day.

so much things.

all this stress made me lose weight.

maybe losing weight is a good thing.

but i lost weight becox i'm stressed and all.

and my migrain reacting and all.

what ever situation i'm in,

only people that work in the same kitchen knows.

i wished you would understand too.

maybe someday,

when you are in this kind of situation you will know too.

didn't tell you about my troubles partly is becox i didn't wanna trouble you.

and the other,

is that i have to learn to stand on my own feet.

i cannot rely on anyone.

i have only me to rely on.

i wanted to let you stand on your own.

so that you will be strong.

but every time i see you unhappy and all,

i just cant bear it.

yeah.

maybe you think that i'm lies,

all crap.

and that i'm using you.

think,

what have i used of u?

its alright.

i'm in the wrong too.

well.

i know u wished that i hadn't appear in your life.

or get out of your life.

your wish is my command.

i won't ever bother you,

but i'll still remember you for life.

i'll still care though.

i guess leo and taurus just don't get along that well.

saw that you are getting along well with your gf and jw.

if i'm out,

it'll make life better for you.

so...

take care.

saw these on jac's tumblr..

"You don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them inspite of the fact that they’re not"

the 11 painful things that she mentioned:

1. binging back the feeling that you've learned to forget.

2. reminiscing the good times.

3. trying to hide how you really felt.

4. loving someone who loves another.

5. having commitment with someone you know that won't last.

6. shielding your heart to love somebody.

7. loving a person too much.

8. right love at the wrong time.

9. taking the risk to fall in love again.

10. accepting that i was never meant to be.

& lastly,

11. 'what ifs'

when i saw those..

i'm like.

it speaks part of my heart.

loving him and my friends is not becox they are perfect.

its becox of the flaws they have that i've accepted.

no one is perfect.

and as for the 11 things.

those were the things that i do hate.

and the pain in the heart.

sometimes,

i really don't know y..

maybe its like what jac says:

absences makes the heart grows fonder.

your absences made me missed you more.

she told me that when you saw us,

what she think, about how u felt at that moment,

is like when he sees me,

he knows that i'm there because of him,

like expected.

some how or rather.

i felt like giving up.

giving up on you,

on every other thing.

living for the sake of living.

soulless zombie.

wouldn't it be better?

i wished i hadn't have any emotions or feelings or even feel tired.

then maybe i won't be in this state.

thinking too much...

well.

what can i say..

its life.

and life still moves on.

we still have to carry on climbing up the slopes no matter how hard it is.

if not we'll fall and die.

at least...

we're still breathing the same air,

seeing the same sunrise and sun set.

and living in the same world.

2010-07-12T01:19:00.000+08:00

great..

i endured until i really cannot take it anymore.

and vomited.

its like the first time after only about 1 plus glass of stout.

that can make me vomit.

sometimes i don't understand myself.

why do i wanna put all those things in my head.

only to make me stress..

none of my close friends understand how i feel.

if they were to just stand in my shoes for like 3 days.

maybe they will jump off a building.

stress from work is a thing..

and then there is stress from peers,

my parents,

my sisters,

and my friends.

and worries..

and my own health is also causing me problems.

my stupid head.

and i hate that part of me that misses him so badly.

that loves him too deep.

great.

how am i going to sleep now.

with my bed wet..

sometimes i really hope my sisters can like grow up.

at least i can have peace at home.

but..

haix.

needless to say.

what a life i had.

non stop of stress.

2010-07-12T00:50:00.000+08:00

i really don't know for how long i can tolerate this..

i never really felt so stressed in my life b4.

my migrain is reacting again..

felt like my head can burst anytime..

there is plenty of stress at work..

and then i'm worried about him as well.

he will decide again whether to go for operation tomorrow after his appointment.

i thought this was all..

then there is my sis whom i really cared a lot.

suddenly i got a message from her..

headache again.

went to drink with my chefs and try to sort out everything..

after that i thought when i reached home..

i will have peace.

and there goes again..

my sisters is giving me troubles..

my bed is wet,

all i hear is them shouting at each other,

i really don't know how long i can tahan all these until i jump off a building..

and everything is over.

story end.

2010-07-06T23:11:00.000+08:00

its my off day today..

and since i was worried,

i woke up early in the morning,

and went to the temple at bugis to pray for him.

the good thing is that jac accompanied me to go,

so i won't be alone.

i spent around 40 bucks just to pray for him.

and i got an amulet for him as well.

so after we prayed,

we went for shopping..

its almost like we went around the world.

first was bugis..

went to eat and shop.

next stop is far east,

then coming up is somerset 313..

forth stop is plaza sing,

went there just to collect her make up brush.

and the last stop...

we went over to clarke quay..

to see him.

when i saw him...

i'm finally able to let go of the huge stone that is stuck in my heart.

worrying that he might be very in pain,

or his face might be swollen or something like that.

but he seemed quite fine,

now that his swollen face has somehow healed.

and i passed him the amulet..

the situation is like so...

awkward.

i'm like so quite...

i'm very happy..

seeing him smile lights me up..

after he gone back in,

i missed him already.

haix. i'll go see him again though.

if i had the chance.

hope that he keep the amulet in his wallet.

i go all the way down to pray just for him..

miss him...

2010-07-02T02:25:00.000+08:00

its only been the 2nd day that i saw him.

and then something like that happened.

Tuesday he was still fine and standing right there,

flawless and wide smile.

and then yesterday fatty told me that he's with him.

asking me whether i wanna go.

if only i went.

maybe all this won't have happened.

i would have taken the blows for him,

or pull him away.

or i could call up my friends to help.

went to work today,

and it was great.

and then i suddenly felt uneasy.

emo somehow.

sense that something wasn't right.

worrying about something that i don't know what it is.

and just then i saw his fb comments.

that i know that something happened to him.

he got into a fight,

and got hurt.

quite serious.

;(

tried ways to contact denley.

was scared to just call him.

didn't want to disturb him.

but i couldn't get through denley as well.

until he msg me to tel me to call him..

and i see hope.

but the thing is den didn't go with them,

and he didn't know what happened.

and i was hoping that he would get to know what happened and call me up.

but i was soooo worried.

could settle down.

and i couldn't stand it anymore.

he was online.

and i asked him.

and he told me:

'well, nose swollen, lip crack. deep cut at my chin,

that was nothing, till just then, the doctor who examine called me and say his colleage saw a crack on my nose after the X-ray,

and ask me to go down for the next appointment next week to discuss with regards to the surgery and so on.'

i was like...

omg.

my heart aches.

and i had the urge to really cab down to see him.

even if i know that i can't help anything.

i just want to see him.

and sayang him.

i hope den will cal me asap.

and hopefully tell me when he will go for his surgery.

and if he will be staying in the hospital.

so i can go see him.

2010-06-30T00:15:00.000+08:00

its been so long...

3 months plus since i saw him..

went out with jac at about 3 plus.

and went to orchard first to see how my work place will be.

passed by a few shops and spent again.

but once in awhile..

its ok to be spending a little.

maybe its not a little.

but its worth it somehow.

saw yok san today.

and chat a little.

after orchard,

we took a cab down to clarke quay for dinner.

at Ricciotti..

the place where den and joe is doing their internship at.

me and jac was like walking around the whole clarke quay just to look for it.

and its no where to be seen.

i almost gave up.

but then again..

since i'm here.

so i asked around and called quite a few people.

but i finally asked joe instead.

as in messaged him.

and like FINALLY!!!

we found the place.

and i saw his back view again.

been so so so long...

i was delighted.

and we went in to eat.

i ordered lasagna and one of the panini's.

so coincident.

both done by denley.

i was like.

er..

should have ordered the pasta.

because it's done by him. =)

spent about 50 dollars there for a dinner.

expensive for only 2 dishes.

but its alright.

worth it too.

after the dinner,

we went to the riverside to have a stick.

and then he came out.

standing at a distance that my visions is blur when i don't have my specs on.

but i could make it out that it was him.

and then i looked away and talked to jac.

a few seconds later,

he called..

hahaha.

and i picked up.

he asked me ' 你没有看到我嚒？'

i was like...

in my heart, ' YES! YES! YES! I SAW U!!'

but i tried to act, and look around like i didn't see him..

its not exactly that i was acting that i didn't see him.

i knew it was him.

but the visions are blurred.

and i told him to wave at me.

but then he started to walk towards us.

and stop at a fair distance.

we talked a bit.

and then den came out.

and i was like smiling..

and walked towards him.

i was really embarrassed..

den keeps pointing at him and towing me towards him somehow.

but i was shy.

*blushing*

after awhile he went in.

and so did den.

so i stand outside of the window to wave him goodbye.

and so did he..

smiling the smile that i loved and waving me goodbye.

the funny thing is that his chef waved goodbye to me too.

so i waved back.

haha.

i could smile for the whole day.

now that i saw him.

it can last me for another 3 months or so..

he's still the same.

just that maybe he dyed his hair.

skin tone is a bit darker.

and he gained weight a little.

but better.

not so skinny like the last time i saw him.

i'm just happy to see him.

the only 2 regrets today,

first,

is that i did not really go up to him, give him a hug and say i miss him.

and the other most regretful thing that occurred today,

is that i was supposed to meet sis for dinner at 8..

at around 5 plus,

since i'm still in town and just reached,

i thought that maybe the 3 of us could have dinner together at his intern place.

it would be nice to have both my close friends to be eating together with me sitting on the same table.

but maybe i was wrong.

i can't have it both ways.

i can't really balance it.

maybe it is true that one cannot have anything in both ways.

its either this way,

or the other,

vice versa.

maybe i was too naive.

but i was right though..

happiness is not an option for me..

because unhappiness always comes in the way.

seeing through many things.

sometimes everything is fated.

and people come and go.

all i can do and i will do is to accept it.

maybe being hurt for too many times has let me grow more mature.

no matter what happens..

friends won't always be there.

neither will our bf / gf.

the only ones that will be there,

will be our family members.

and we have only ourselves to count on.

in this world,

no one really understands you clearly..

the only one is you yourself.

people you thought understands you,

is because they guessed..

not because they truly understands you.

i believed that.

2010-06-29T01:41:00.000+08:00

3 months & 2 days.

like huray!!!

its my off day..

and everything kinda went smoothly for me today.

went to meet chris for breakfast...

everything was great.

the only thing that pisses me off..

is that my period is coming.. and at a very wrong timing.

i was like..

grr..

no swimming again.

haha.

commented on his status..

and he replied.

i was kinda half way to the moon.

and i laughed as well.

because he said that he hates to run..

and then i was so sarcastic.

i tell him ' don't run.. JOG!'

hahaha.

and he says that he hate to even walk..

and i was like...

ok...

i'll buy him an armchair.

hahaha..

he was like..

' i want it with a remote control..'

i'm like laughing.

and i said NO!!

exercise his arm..

thats why its called an armchair.

haha.

and he insist that he wants it with a remote control..

and i wish i had said that he don't need a remote control when someone is actually willing to push him around.

which obviously is me.

but somehow or rather..

i dare not.

i'm just a coward with him around.

and tomorrow is my off day...

meeting jac...

and i planned to go visit him..

and taste his cooking.

haa!

hopefully i get to try..

and then later in the evening..

i'm planning to find audrey.

for dinner..

haa.

a surprise...

been a long time since i saw her.

i'm missing so much after i started my internship.

and then i thought..

when u gain something in life..

u'll definitely lose something.

life won't be perfect..

neither will someone be perfect.

and something that is so true.

nothing is perfect..

not even close to perfect.

just...

my mom and dad was like quarreling over some little matter.

my mom came home..

and then go out again.

my dad saw her boarding a cab.

and started to think that my mom was like playing outside.

and get all upset and flare.

when my mom came back in less than half an hour..

my dad was like questioning her..

in a tone that i didn't like it as well.

me and my sister was like...

'we only heard the tv..'

its like..

idk..

and she start to tel me to look after my sisters when she's not around..

haix.

when will this end?

although i know that sooner or later..

they will separate.

and this family that i wished it would be perfect,

will have cracks..

scars will be left behind.

i know how my mom felt.

i feel for her.

but at the same time.

i love my dad and my grandmother and all..

i can only say that the problems are created by the last generation..

and this new generation that i'm in..

has nothing to do with the problems..

but we are the innocent ones..

and when i come to realize that i'm actually one of the victims..

i don't deny that i hated my family.

how they treated my mom..

how they treated me.

i don't need them to dote on me.

but i also don't wish to be tortured.

haix.

and now all i hear is the sounds of their quarrels.

every time.

whenever they start to talk..

it will start.

if i had 3 wishes..

i would wish for a happy and loving family as the first.

something i longed for..

but i can't get.

its just to hard to find love.

whatever love it is...

family..

bgr...

or friends.

faults will be found..

wish to have a stick now.

but i know i cant.

what an off day i have..

the first is to hear all those nasty things.

and see it.

maybe..

when they separate..

we'll all be happier..

true happiness will be found.

sometimes..

being alone is better.

being happy even for a day is not an option for me..

eventually..

it will turn bad..

everything will start to change.

if i want to have a smooth life..

i'll have to live through it without happiness.

then,

i won't have unhappiness as well.

i'll be living like a zombie..

no feelings.

nothing.

i'd trade for it.

2010-06-25T00:44:00.000+08:00

2 months, 3 weeks & 5 days.

quite happening today.

went to work..

and i was quite fresh..

maybe i had my fill of sleep the day before..

i'll be staying in vivo on monday to thursday.

and the rest,

i'll be at orchard.

daddy says that this way,

i won't 'die' in vivo.

and partly the reason..

is that he don't have to see me.

and i'll be taught by daddy from next week onwards.

stressed..

i'll have to buck up again.

sometimes..

i really think that i'm not up for this job.

maybe i'm really better at doing little handy craft things.

and singing, dancing.

but i love cooking as well.

i really don't know.

i'll just try my best..

maybe daddy is right..

find a good husband and get married.

but its not the life i wanted.

haix...

what to do?!

life goes on...

and the funniest part about today..

is that i have to change my shirt and work on the floor in the evening.

as a service staff.

haa.

like funny.

2010-06-23T01:11:00.000+08:00

2 months, 3 weeks, & 2 days.

been so tired and stressed lately.

my head almost split into a few on monday.

thought too much and worried too much..

that my mi-grain reacted and felt nauseas.

all of a sudden..

everything just come to me.

i don't know if i could take it.

a good thing that i finally can get a good rest tomorrow.

saw your blog and your facebook.

seems like you are getting a life with your girlfriend.

guess that she will treat you well and won't let you get hurt.

hope that she will really protect you.

and saw that you went out and patched back with jw.

i guess your life is back.

so i'll just leave you here.

maybe i'm really not a good sister.

but i wish you the best.

i won't be able to really be with you..

all i can is to keep it in my heart.

cox of my work.

guess that my job just pulls me out of my life.

and pulls me out from the world.

that i'll be alone.

and won't have time with my friends.

you made a right decision though.

which is to leave me.

that way..

you won't get hurt.

you will still live your life.

you still get your happiness.

and i'll still be the same old me.

and i guess no one truly knows me...

what i am?!

what i want to achieve?!

what i love?!

my hobby?!

my favorite food, drinks?!

my favorite hang out place?!

what i am really thinking?!

what i need?!

no one realize..

its just left with

me, myself and I..

i'll face all that alone..

to be stronger.

2010-06-19T00:06:00.000+08:00

2 months, 2 weeks & 5 days.

how long have i been keeping track of this..

how much longer do i have to keep track of this?!

this 2 days haven been good for me.

1st..

i failed my test..

2nd..

work have not been smooth for me.

getting more and more stressed..

i don't know if i could be able to hold on to this stress any longer.

but a part of me is trying so hard.

so hard to want to improve myself.

and prove to people around me that i can make it.

but another part of me is giving up.

giving up being strong.

i might look strong on the outside.

too often that i stand strong alone to face all that.

too often that i always appear to be the protector of my girl friends.

too often that i showed that somethings that guys can do,

girls can do it too.

and too often that i tried to hold everything on my shoulders..

that i'm like a guy.

but deep down..

i'm tired.

i'm still only a girl.

a weakling.

stupid & slow.

good for nothing.

for so many times.

i wish that i could have someone i love to lean on.

to feel the love.

to feel that i'm not alone.

to feel that i'm just like any other normal girls.

walking on the street and hanky panky with their boyfriends.

but all these are just wishful thoughts.

thoughts that will never fulfill.

in the kitchen,

as the only girl..

i was well treated.

but still.

high hopes was bestowed on me.

i have to be fast & accurate.

i have to remember recipes.

remember the tastes.

know how to fluctuate the tastes of different things.

but i'm slow in nature.

i'm forgetful.

though i tried very hard in the mind.

still i cant remember.

and was thought that my mind was clouded with him.

yes.

a part of my mind is..

but its was at the back of my mind.

didn't really think much about him when i'm doing my thing.

i'm just..

slow..

i wished i was that fast.

and i was that good enough.

but my brain doesn't work that way.

guess it really doesn't work.

it might as well be a brain dead.

that way..

i would just lie on the bed forever.

in the afternoon,

i messaged him..

he was at his grandma's place.

we chat for awhile.

and i somehow 诉苦 to him.

and he comforted me.

for a moment.

i felt that i wasn't alone.

that i was leaning against him.

that he was there for me.

but then it vanished.

just like that.

and back to square 1.

i wasn't that delighted like before.

when we chat.

guess i'm just stressed.

looking at daddy's face.

and he too was tired.

of teaching me.

he was 'pek cek'

and that split second,

i really do feel like giving up.

to save all that torture.

to him and to me.

but then..

i wanted to strive for it.

i wanted to be good enough.

to be good enough in the kitchen.

to be good enough for him.

to be good enough that i can survive on my own.

but i feel that i can't make it.

i'm just another stupid and stubborn good for nothing.

no look,

no figure,

no skill,

no money,

not lady like,

and a girl that wasn't good enough for anyone that she loves.

a fragment piece from a broken glass.

that doesn't belong.

2010-06-17T01:24:00.000+08:00

2 months, 2 weeks & 4 days.

haven got a wink until now.

like wtf.

went to the school to do my referal.

and haleluya~~

i screw up everything.

i was like. wtf!

and there goes another 300.

i seriously wish to quit shatec.

but come to think of it.

i've paid so much money..

i have to at least get the cert..

i can't really believe that i failed too.

guess i'm just too tired.

and also,

its been a long while since i even make a consomme.

then after the test,

i went straight to work with a heavy heart and head.

the funny part is that i went to work,

time in & then time out again to go for break with daddy.

haa!

went over to harry's...

and had a game with daddy.

somehow..

my pool improved alot.

and even at night after work...

can't believe that i can beat daddy..

not really beat.

i don't know how to say.

but i somehow won..

the only happy thing that has happened today is maybe that my skills have improved.

the worst part is that daddy knows about my failure..

and then i got shoot for the whole day.

ok!

stop it...

its over!!!

don't make me think about it anymore.

it bothers me.

alot.

haix.

i got the punishment.

god let me have a great day for once.

and then make it hell after the desert.

i thought its only the beginning of a new good start..

but turned out that its the opposite.

its the beginning of hell.

and today..

a new guy from shatec joined us..

and i have got to really buck up.

because he is fast.

if he surpasses me in a short period of time..

means i'm gone case.

so much stress.

so tired.

so much things on my shoulder..

i wonder if i could still juggle it without falling.

but for now..

i will try.

at least for so long,

i got to hear your voice..

and knowing that you did not avoid me.

and i miss you more each day.

2010-06-16T03:04:00.000+08:00

2 months, 2 weeks, & 3days.

today, no doubt was some what the happiest day this year..

first..

i panic..

haven paid for the jap IS and i don't really intend to retake.

its just a waste of my time..

its not really even relevant to what i'm studying for.

and they expect us to pay $200 for it..

and the best part is...

i don't even know what the FUCK we are cooking.

giving us just the name of the dish w/o any recipe.

GREAT!

and then...

nvm...

went to ask around..

damn happy.

hahahaha.

msged him and asked him since i couldn't contact den.

and then he called.

i was like.

OMG!!!

and we talked for about 4 mins and 9 secs.

even though there is nothing much.

but i was already over the moon..

so i went to work with a great mood.

smiling for the whole day...

and everything went so smoothly for me.

then after work...

wah...

went to celebrate ding wei's birthday at tiong barhu's '天天海鲜'

from the moment i step out of white dog cafe....

been laughing non stop!!

all thanks to shaun and ah ken...

all the way till 2 am...

imagine how long was that..

people thought i was crazy.

laughing and crying at the same time.

and then ...

when i got home.

and check mail...

CAO HIGH...

msg received on the 15 june that i have a test on the 16th june.

i was like..

stunned....

omg.

i think i wont have the time to sleep le...

wish me LUCK!!!!

2010-06-13T20:31:00.000+08:00

2 months & 2 weeks...

couldn't sleep well yesterday..

slept at around 2 plus and woke up at 8 plus.

went to work..

headache...

tired..

went to work at 12 and went home at 7..

great.

gotta rest!!!!

sleep the whole day!!

haix.

i really miss him alot.

more than i thought i would have.

2010-06-11T00:37:00.000+08:00

2 months a week and 5 days.

i cant deny that time really flies.

its like its just in a flash..

a month before..

i'm just 17..

waiting to turn into a woman..

and then suddenly..

i'm 18..

how fast can that be?!

and sometimes i really can't believe that i'm that so faithful..

haix.

till now..

i still got the blue for u..

every now and then..

laopa will tel me to find a guy and get married..

or he will tel shaun to find me a guy..

-.-

i was like..

wth...

thats just because he doesn't want me to bother him..

but i'll still stick to him like a super glue..

haa!

i feel like i've known him for a very long time.

maybe its because i somehow see joe in him..

i really miss him a lot..

kept thinking about him today.

i don't know why.

part of me is telling me not to think about him anymore..

but part of me is still missing him and thinking about him.

wondering if he is feeling better.

and if he replied my facebook comment.

somehow.

i half guessed that he would just ignore it.

or rather 99% confirmed that he won't reply.

but still. that 1% is hoping that he would at least reply a 'hmm, haa.'

oh well.

he did reply.

and i'm delighted.

everyone keep telling me..

that me and him is no chance.

and a wishful thinking.

deep in my heart.

i know that.

but.

i still love him.

tried a lot of ways.

even thought of just finding any guy who is not bad and treats me well.

but i just can't bring myself to do that.

to betray & cheat myself.

to hurt the guy.

been listening to a song by westlife;

If I Let You Go

just almost like what i had in mind..

if i let him go..

i will never know what my life could be holding him close to me.

haix.

i feel like crying just now..

from morning.

haven had any appetite.

or energy.

just...

well.

i'm not torturing myself.

its just me.

i really miss him a lot.

tired.

2010-06-08T00:35:00.000+08:00

2 months a week and 2 days.

it still seemed like yesterday.

i felt so tired.

didn't really get a good rest even on my off day.

woke up early..

and went to telok blangah cres to see doc..

and guess what..

i got 6 jabs on my leg..

it bleeds and somehow..

looked like it was purple..

i almost cried..

but it wasn't that bad after all.

and then i headed to white dog to see if lao pa was there.

but then he went over to orchard!!

grr.

never mind.

haha.

and then went to shop a while with dad.

and haa.

he bought me a few ear rings and also...

a star necklace!!!

haha.

actually...

i wanted it..

so i asked for it.

haha.

opps.

but i was happy.

and then we went over to visit my granny.

had dinner there...

she slimmed down a lot.

and it just hurts me to see that her thin, boned arm is tinted with bruises left from the hospital stay.

i'll visit her whenever i can..

so that i won't leave any regrets..

for almost the whole day..

it seems like he won't get out of my mind.

den told me he went off for reservist for a week.

i sure hope that he won't get too tired...

and hope that he gets enough rest..

and also get his meals..

hope that he won't slim down any more.

2010-06-07T02:27:00.001+08:00

i almost forgot how long it has been..

when i started to count the days that i'ved missed you.

its been about 2 months a week and a day.

i thought i would just meet someone new and just forget about you.

i thought i would just get over you when i didn't get to see you.

i thought things will just go back to where it started when we didn't contact.

but..

i missed you even more than ever.

everyday.

almost every second.

even after i changed my phone's wallpaper & tried to ignore your profile.

my heart still goes on..

for you.

had been dreaming about you for the past few weeks.

and then the dreams stopped bothering me for a while.

but out of a sudden..

i dreamt of you again the day before.

so real again.

i was somehow with my family.

and there..

you stood..

motionless..

looking at me..

& smiling the smile that i loved at me.

and then you walk towards me..

i wasn't really sure what my dream is about.

forgot most of it already.

but somehow.

i remembered that you were with me all along.

accompanying me.

to wherever i wanna go in your car.

i felt blessed.

that i felt love.

maybe a reason why i cant forget you.

is because there are your shadows around me.

or rather..

i thought someone i knew resembles you.

his pattern and all.

and the way he like to stand and tilt his butt to one side.

my lao pa....

haha.

it's almost the same..

his posture.

just that the way they talk and all is different.

but i could see his shadow on lao pa.

maybe it's because i thought too much..

that i started to hallucinate.

i was wondering..

will i ever see you again?!

will we talk and 'play' like how we used to be?!

or will we behave like strangers and get awkward all the way?!

or will you just ignore me and walk away?!

or rather..

you would just take it that i'm invisible.

how will i feel about you by then?
i don't know either.

but one thing for sure..

i'ved loved you..

for as long as i could remember you.

2010-05-31T01:17:00.000+08:00

2 months and 4 days.

these 2 days is like.. haggard.

been working full shift..

and grandma got into hospital..

i was like so worried..

was so down the whole day..

and even cried for a few times.

until i went over to see her.

she looked...

weak..

just las thursday i went over to see her..

and then yesterday she was so sick..

thank god that it wasnt really much of a sickness.

that she is still...

normal..

if not,

i don't even know how i could survive without her.

been so long since i saw him..

went to his profile..

and i saw..

he said that

'Seeing each and everyone of my cousins getting married, is it time i should tie a knot too'

and my heart goes up and down..

does it mean that he had someone in mind already?

do i still stand a chance?

guess not ba.

it took me great effort to try not to think about him much already..

and i did it..

but then..

when i see him or his picture and all..

i'll be back to square one..

i wonder how long this will go on..

i'm really tired already..

tired of all this..

i really wish to settle down.

with him if we have got fate.

i really miss him a lot.

i really do..

2010-05-27T01:49:00.001+08:00

2010-05-27T01:14:00.000+08:00

its been 2 months exactly..

everyday passes just so fast..

that i almost couldn't get hold of it.

i still miss him dearly..

maybe more..

sis told me about the accident that happened in chinese garden just now.

and immediately,

i thought about the dream i had the other time.

about him..

that he met and accident and was dead.

thinking about it.

i almost tear..

but it was held back..

because i knew..

that it will never come true.

a dream will always be a dream.

met pek for my lunch today.

miss her so much..

talked...

but there clearly wasn't enough time!

well..

we still have other time..

and its very coincident..

that when i was on my way to work.

and i met jac.

haha. funny..

we have something called telepathy..

haix.

i wonder why i'm still waiting for him..

why i still loved him..

but i will wait..

and concentrate more on my career.

after 1 year of internship..

maybe i will stand a chance.

to hold him in my arms.

to kiss him on his lips.

and to look at him in the eyes.

2010-05-18T01:43:00.003+08:00

2010-05-18T01:36:00.000+08:00

right..

its my birthday today...

but well. seems like any other day to me though.

nth much change..

just the age and people wishing me happy birthday.

but..

thanks too all those that wished me.

i really appreciate that.

and i was so thrilled..

that he wished me too.

didn't really expect that.

but i was happy.

that can keep me alive longer..

and for a moment..

i thought i was crazy.

because i replied him.

and said thanks love.

opps!

but yeah.

it was from the bottom of my heart.

thank my dad for making the effort to ordering the cake for me.

i thought i didn't really care.

but he cared.

and my family..

it was heart warming.

but somehow.

something was missing.

the heart warming feeling..

i was somehow the 1 who hold it there.

well.

its been like that.

but i was happy that we all could sit down like that as a family.

which didn't occur for like so long..

that it feels like a decade.

thanks wafi for dropping by to wish me..

and gave me the donut..

almost cried.

but yeah.

i'm touched.

thanks milk and shaun for calling up to wish me.

thanks all those who wished me happy birthday.

right.

its a month and 3 weeks.

can't believe time passed so fast.

everyday i just missed u like any other day.

my feelings never change a bit.

maybe it got stronger.

haix.

but him wishing me happy birthday.

was the best birthday gift i had this year.

thanks love.

2010-05-14T00:53:00.000+08:00

a month, 2 weeks, & 3 days.

early in the morning diarrhea!!

thought that when i go out of house and i will be alright.

but then.....

went to work.

and within like 2 hours,

i went to the toilet for like 2 times.

and my hands and legs are weak!

don't even feel like having a stick!

tahan till about 4 plus and went off.

took a stick and messaged den..

and then he called.

they were having break,

and den was like whispering to me.

so i guess he was beside.

and of course i asked about how he was doing and all.

told den that i really missed him a lot.

more than anything that I've ever missed.

he said i was crazy.

oh well.

maybe i am..

for the love of my heart.

i don't mind being crazy for him.

heard that he is doing fine.

and i know that too.

but i'm still worried somehow.

talking to den is like talking to my brother.

felt so comfortable talking to him.

esp when i talk about joe.

like i don't really have to hide any feelings at all.

but the talk didn't last long though.

a few minutes.

but it was enough somehow.

at the very least,

i got to know that HE was taking a nap.

poor love.

he must be tired.

saw him online till very late.

and guess what.

i just saw him online when i talk about him.

is this fate?

no..

its just my wishful thinkings.

haix.

he should be on his bed already.

hope that he don't get drained.

had a surprise just now.

ah hong sent me a facebook message!!

that fella went mia for so long..

finally appear.

haha. and we sms for a while.

ok.

just 2 messages.

but he was a good friend though.

haa.

oh.

and pk came today.

was happy to see her.

but went off like 5 minutes later.

will we meet again?!

YES!! =D

touched by shaun..

he treats me very well.

so glad that i had a brother like him..

that takes care of me..

never really that someone takes care of me like that.

hopefully he won't leave me like how asher did.

it was painful.

hope that history don't repeat.

working tomorrow again!

just hoping that it will be smooth and i recover by tomorrow.

ok..

i miss damn a lot of people now.

I MISS joe!!!!!

I MISS audrey!!

I MISS jac!!

I MISS pk!!

I MISS puite!!

I MISS chris!!

I MISS wafi!!

I MISS pek!!

I MISS sheng yi!!

I MISS datou & click!!

I MISS den!!

I MISS ah jie -lay yuan!!

I MISS dai lou - ah leong!!

I MISS so much that can't be listed all out.

but guys!!! you know that i miss you all.

and you know who you are.

so if you happened to see this post and your name is not here.

don't be disheartened..

because doesn't mean your name is not written,

i don't miss you.

but the fact is that.

I MISS YOU TOO!!!

ok.

i'm mad!!

miss love dearly.

if only i could hold him tight.

and take him as my pillow.

heh.

i think too much.

opps.

right.

lastly.

MY BIRTHDAY IS THIS COMING TUESDAY!!!!!

but seems like any other day.

oh well.

at least i'm legal now.

haha.

and before my birthday is here.

here is a sneak peek to my photoshoot pictures.

haha.

don't look like me..

i know.

2010-05-13T01:06:00.000+08:00

its a month and 2 weeks and 2 days.

time really flies.

called den yesterday.

and asked den about him..

he was alright.

still the same perhaps.

i wonder if things were really alright for him.

worried about a lot of stuff about him.

when i sleep, i worried if he was asleep and whether he had his blanket on.

when i woke up, i worried if he had got enough sleep.

when i eat, i worried if he had taken his meal and whether he had taken his fill.

when i was working and got hurt somehow,

i worried if he got hurt as well.

when it rains, i worried if he was caught in a rain and if he was warm enough to not get a flu.

when the weather got hot,

i worried if he had enough water to keep himself cool.

and it goes on and on..

everyday, every minute, every second.

seems like everything links to him.

too often when i stare faraway,

and thinks begin to flash in my mind.

images about him, him, and still him...

and many many times in a month or so..

i dream of him..

and too often when i dream,

i mixed up a little,

between dreams and reality,

it all seem so real..

my dreams seem too real that i thought it was true.

but in reality,

sometimes i wonder if it did happen or was it just my hallucination.

i couldn't explain why, or how..

just confused.

days went by and passes so fast..

that my visions blurred,

and memories failed me..

i know that u have rejected me in a way that wasn't too harsh.

but sometimes,

i wished that u do it the harsher way.

maybe it will be easier for me to let go.

but since i loved u so..

deeply.

perhaps its hard.

but..

i still got the blue for u.

my heart still beats for u.

my face still blush for u.

i still stutter for u.

i still care for u.

and i still love u.

2010-05-06T02:05:00.000+08:00

a month and 10th days.

realized how fast time passes.

days and days.

just went on and on.

tickling non stop.

people always say, time will come or bla bla bla~

but little did they realize how fast time is tickling away.

time don't wait for anyone.

and often,

i regretted.

for waiting for the right time.

what is the right time then?

and i regretted not acting at that moment.

because there is no right or wrong time.

the only time that is real,

is the time that u did something.

thinking back,

if i were to run up to u and hug u,

what will happen next?

will things be the same?

will we be together or will u just tell me to scram?

and sometimes i wonder,

why am i still waiting,

for someone that is not for me,

for something that does not belong to me,

but this is just how it is.

to be or not to be.

its predestined.

maybe our time is not yet to be here,

or maybe,

u r just not for me.

if u were to tel me straight that we are just not to be,

maybe i'll not wait.

but that love is still there,

and will be kept deep inside.

and too often when my mind is wondering about,

things starts appearing and flash backs,

and i thought.

how pathetic humans are.

selfish creatures.

although we are warm blooded,

but we are far worse than cold blooded creatures.

at least those creatures eat for the sake of eating,

life was much more simple for them.

no politics.

but humans,

we eat for the sake of eating,

make a living for the sake of living,

but our mind is horrendous.

we thought too much..

and thats how bribes, jealousy, etc comes by.

life is fair,

but humans aren't.

2010-05-03T02:15:00.000+08:00

a month and a week.

days passed just like that.

everyday was almost the same.

work, harris bar, sleep.

but tomorrow will be different.

haha.

meeting up with chris, wafi.

maybe dropping by to see grandma,

& swimming with jac.

what a day!

haha. looking forward.

but..

will i be shag?!

hope not.

and on Wednesday...

weijie will be coming to find me!!

haha.

been so long since we meet up.

almost forgot how he looked like.

opps.

had a chat with qing just now.

and she told me a story.

that god once hold her hands and tel her,

don't have to find love,

and love will come to you.

if you don't think about love,

your love will soon come to you.

somehow,

i agreed.

but its so hard to even not think about him for a sec,

or maybe a day.

let alone forgetting him.

maybe i would.

but not so soon.

people always come to know how to cherish,

until they really lose it.

maybe,

someday,

when I'm gone,

then he will realize.

and by then,

will my love for him come back?

or its time for him to have a taste of his own medicine.

but I'd rather be the one suffering.

than seeing him in pain like i do.

i know how much it hurts.

to be in a situation like this.

knowing that u can't be the one to make him smile,

knowing that you can't have that person,

but at the same time,

deceiving yourself that maybe he just needs some time,

because he didn't tel you how he really feels,

that he didn't reject or accept.

deceiving yourself that now is not the time yet,

its more crucial for us to concentrate on studies and career.

but all that and all that.

in the end.

I already knew the answer.

that he's just not that into me.

that even time can't really develop.

but i still can't forget him.

simply love him.

more than i thought i have.

or maybe i just treasure him too much,

because i don't want to leave any regrets.

losing your loved ones is painful.

maybe because I've lost too much,

therefore i treasure each and every one individually.

2010-05-02T01:59:00.000+08:00

been a month and start of the 6th days.

today was quite hectic.

was somehow so tired that i didn't wake up on time.

and i drag myself to work.

and learned a few stuff today.

but was quite pek cek.

like so busy!

i was running about and screaming and shouting.

during break time,

jac and the others came.

and sad.

tony never come.

miss pinching him so much!

haha.

been cutting my finger so frequently..

and its always the same finger!

grr.

wth!!!

and i think its a little sensitive..

should see a doc soon.

stupid finger.

miss him badly.

tried to ask him about his work,

and whether he it is tiring or not.

like just as a friend.

but he didn't reply.

guess he is annoyed my me.

haix.

i really miss him alot.

many many times a day..

i almost gone crazy.

many many times a day,

i felt like hugging him tightly.

if only i could hug him.

even for just 1 last time.

2010-04-30T00:09:00.000+08:00

a month and 4 days.

having my off today and somehow slept for the whole day.

was talking to sis.

and she seemed depressed.

somehow,

felt that she is having depression.

was somewhat quarreling with her.

and was pek cek..

but then everything got back fine..

i hate to see that she got hurt so much.

i really wish to kill that guy so much.

i know that she love him a lot.

too much that she gave everything.

but no matter what,

our life still belongs to us.

at least we are still breathing.

we can love someone forever,

sometimes,

not being tgt with that someone,

might not be a bad thing.

love doesn't mean to posses.

although i wanted so much to..

but i know that its impossible.

still,

i love him.

i'll still love him no doubt.

but i'll still know that i cant have him.

maybe someday,

i'll meet someone else.

and i'll still look back.

at how much i loved him once.

or rather.

at least we are breathing the same air.

at least u are still living healthily.

at least i still got to know stuff about u.

at least,

we had memories that we once shared.

sometimes i don't understand.

why is there such thing as love?

why are we willing to give so much to love?

although i'm doing that too.

even no matter how much hurt that someone has caused.

i don't mind.

but..

2010-04-29T01:18:00.000+08:00

A month and 3 days.

been crying a lot this few days.

first was because of that dream,

and 2nd was because i spoke to mom..

and know a lot of her past.

and it was really sad.

i didn't know that she had to go through all that.

marrying my dad was somehow a mistake.

didn't know that my dad was a bad husband.

but no doubt,

he was a good father to us.

and heard things about my family.

suddenly i realized how pathetic and cruel human nature can be.

they can be very good like they seemed to be now.

but u never know if they stabbed u.

and all they care for was themselves.

never spare a thought for others.

and even a helpless young child was not spared.

if i was able to remember..

kids will sure fight with each other for toys.

and a mom actually scold that kid till she was scared out of her wits and shivers and cry at a corner.

just because she was snatching the toys that was technically hers.

yes.

that girl is me.

i never thought that would happen in a family like mine.

but yeah.

sad to say.

how that had hurt my mom..

and hurt me.

if i had not have a strong wit.

i would have died in my mom's womb.

but i survived for like 3 days in her womb after her 'water' burst.

i should have died.

to save my mom so much unhappiness.

or i shouldn't have call her back when she left back then when i was only about 4 years old.

because of me..

that she is enduring and going through so much pain.

if she were to leave my dad for another guy that loves her and pampers her..

i'll wish her happiness.

and still love her.

that is what she deserved.

thinking about all that she have shared with me.

i cant help but to cry and cry.

haven had much mood.

and i kept cutting and poking my index finger.

stupid..

but well.

working in the kitchen..

can't help much.

finally!

its break time tomorrow!

no work!

off!

ok..

haha.

i can sleep for as long as i can,

try to finish up my book,

go swimming or gym with jac,

maybe dye my hair,

do mask,

and relax!

haha.

woo~

happy.

but..

i missed him a lot.

when will i be able to meet him?!

to see him again?!

haix.

or rather.

when will i fall for another guy?!

i really don't know.

2010-04-28T01:14:00.000+08:00

ok! my mistake.

its exactly a month and 2 days that i didn't see u.

guess i just missed u too much.

i remember the last day that i saw u was on the 26th of march.

it was the 2nd last day of examinations.

i really regret how much i didn't just run up to u and hug u tight.

there wasn't anyone around but u.

and u were walking away slowly.

why didn't i pluck up the courage to do so.

guess i'm just a coward.

looking at our first picture on my phone,

thinking back to the days that we had somehow spent together.

looking far away to somewhere i didn't really know.

and taking my oxygen break.

that moment,

i really feel like crying.

even when i was in the kitchen,

i was like damn pek cek.

i don't know why also.

and i felt like crying.

but i didn't.

i had to stay strong.

been thinking about him all the time.

even when i was sleeping,

i dreamt of him most of the time.

didn't really smile nowadays.

i was tired.

i don't know how many times in a day,

that i almost gone crazy.

i wanted to hug him so badly.

or even just to see him.

haix.

jac and weichao came to eat today.

and i was somehow forced to cook for them..

but then heng..

chef roger helped me with the salmon,

and ah tan helped me with the baked rice.

so basically,

i didn't really so much..

and then went to take a break with them..

time passed so fast.

and then during the operation,

when i somehow wrapped everything.

and dang!

the mango salad came in..

nvm..

i do alrd..

DANG!

again..

wah..

i damn pek cek ah!!!

stupid..

late liao still eat..

hope they all grow fat like pig.

and later went to find audrey and her friend.

opps.

forgot the name again.

so me, her, him and shaun was like slacking around.

i was somehow emo again.

looking far..

mind blank..

went home with sis..

and she cried.

seriously.

that guy was a coward.

i haven even started to fuck him,

and he hung up.

and say : 'childish'

like who is the 1 that is childish here.

haa!

hope he got bang by a car and die.

or get kicked out of sg and back to his hometown.

fucker!

looking helplessly at sis,

and tears roll down..

all i can do is to hug her and comfort her.

we didn't talk on our way back.

both of us were emo about our own 'stuff'

i hate that feeling.

but it was me..

to be emo..

haix.

if only i had a chance..

if i ever hold on to u..

i won't ever let u go.

but i know that it's impossible.

because u will never be mine.

but still.

i love u.

this 3 word is so hard to say.

but u are the first that i ever said it when i really meant it in a way..

that i wanted to be the one to hold u tight.

but will u?

i doubt.

but have u ever had a bit of feelings towards me?!

guess not ba.

2010-04-25T23:42:00.000+08:00

its exactly a month already.

this month is really hard for me..

to be able to not see u for so long and only living on that picture of u and me,

and also your pictures.

its somehow the thing that keep me from going on everyday.

your smile makes me smile when I'm tired at work too.

its was really very happening today also somehow.

i slept at about 3am las night,

and i had this really strange dream.. a nightmare for me.

I dream that i was working like any other day,

and then i had this strange feeling.

like someone is embracing me,

feels like him..

but there was really no one..

so i just didn't care much about it.

and then i received a message,

from him..

at first i was really happy that i got his message.

and as i read on,

my heart was broken..

in the message,

he said something like..

he was just playing with me in the past,

and he did all that just to get me hooked.

but he regretted, that he didn't treat me better in the past,

and that he was sorry.

i was half joyful and half sad.

tears start to roll down a little.

but i got a sudden shocking news from my friend,

that he met and accident and passed away.

and it was true..

i started to cry uncontrollably..

then he messaged me again.

he said,

don't sad, don't cry. silly girl.

and i got a feeling that someone is embracing me once again.

and that second,

i knew it was him.

all along,

he was right beside me..

and i woke up crying like it was real..

it was about 6 plus going on 7.

i kept reminding myself that it was just a dream..

but i can't stop crying..

i was really worried.

that something might happen to him.

i messaged den..

but he didn't reply.

and i couldn't get to sleep either.

i just cry on and on.

and then i decided to call shaun and meet him.

and at the usual place,

i told him what happened,

and he said that if time is up, no one can stop it from happening.

and a tears surround my eyes,

but didn't drop.

i was really very worried.

and went to work with puffy eyes.

hope that no one realized it.

it was really happening today.

first baby came to see me and shaun.

and then follow on,

milk came with a friend to eat.

and the others i shall not say.

but i when i on my laptop and the first one that i see popping up on my screen,

is u..

my worries had lessen..

a lot.

i had the urge to talk to u.

but i didn't.

so long i know that u are still living safely and normal,

i'm already somehow contented.

love..

I really wish that u know how much i miss u and love u.

i don't ask for the same.

but just to stay by your side.

don't have to meet everyday,

don't have to keep talking on the phone and messaging each other.

just once a week,

and i'll be contented.

but still..

I know that it wouldn't happen.

2010-04-24T01:02:00.000+08:00

29th day..

today was rather great.

at first before i was at work..

or i should say before work start.

i was walking around alone..

and went for a stick or 2 by the 'shore'

sitting there emo and waiting for the time to pass.

was like so tired.

didnt feel like working.

but i dragged myself to work..

haha.

at first there wasnt much.

but then after a while..

things start to turn..

was in a little mess.

but great fun..

the adrenaline rush.

haa!

went for lunch alone.

and well..

it was somehow great to be a loner sometimes.

and then i talked to puite on the phone..

trouble with guys again.

but what to do?!

guys will be guys, no doubt.

and her situation made me think of mine somehow.

when i was in that position.

i know it sucks.

but then..

somehow again..

different in a sense.

hard to explain, complicated & contradicting.

but i really miss those times..

at least i still can peep through the little window and look at u..

or see you walking away slowly with your back facing me.

still remember the last time i saw you.

and how much i really regretted.

been almost a month.

means i've loved u for about 9 months to be exact.

and in 2 days time..

it'll be start of the 10th month.

i didnt know that the feeling was so deep.

and i caught myself looking at kelvin's hands..

his hand's colour tone and all look almost like yours.

and i cant help from looking and thinking about you.

your touch and all.

really miss those times.

before the truth about me loving you is out.

at least i still can talk, joke and all to you.

and i remember when you hugged me.

warmth and butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

haix.

oh well..

tomorrow will be a better day..

2010-04-23T01:28:00.000+08:00

its the 28th day alrd.

and i've been at work for about 3 days.

things were working quite well at work.

ppl are all nice to me,

helping me and teaching me as i go.

and i learned a new thing everyday from chef frankie.

no doubt..

he is really a chef that got my full respect..

not only becox of the things that he can do with his magic hands.

but also the way he treats his boys and girls.

he is willing to teach as well.

guess i'll be sticking to him for 5 years.

haha.

at least thats what i've planned..

as usual..

everywhere i go..

scandals...

lol.

met this ah tan who lives near me..

and he's like a year younger than me..

but we went home tgt everyday after work.

or i should say that he sends me home every night after work.

been talking to him and he is a nice kid.

but he doesn't talk much. oh well.

he will after he is with shaun and me.

haha.

lols!

haix.

even after this 3 days of intense work,

i still cant seemed to get him off my mind..

i thought that i might just forget him maybe for the time being that i'm working.

but it doesn't seem like it.

i just miss him more.

and keep looking at the photo that we took last time during production.

even set it as my wallpaper.

maybe that is what keeps me going.

your smile just makes my day.

i was really looking forward to nxt week.

when baka come with u to take his notes.

opps!

shh~~~~

not supposed to say..

but oh well.

i said it.

dun think u will noe.

keep thinking..

if i were to really see u..

what will i do?!

i really don't know.

i had something for u..

and i kept it for so long.

it has nv left my side until i decide to give it away.

i was looking at it after work..

and i was thinking about u all the time.

they all tell me to stop thinking..

but easier said than done.

haix.

but if i were to see u..

i will give it to u.

and maybe confess again.

though i alrd knew the ans.

but ya..

oh well.

work 2moro again.

will be hectic!

ALL THE WAY~~~

JIA YOU~~

CHIONG AH~~~~

2010-04-19T18:50:00.000+08:00

24th day since i saw him,

been raining this few days.

i'm somehow worried that he might get caught in the rain and got a cold or something like that,

or is his 'backache' still bothering him.

heard that he found a place alrd.

and that he will be starting 2moro.

i was elated & glad.

happy that he found a place,

glad that he was with baka bro.

which means i have a bro there to help me keep a look out for him.

hmmm.

praying hard for him to my ancestors and at the temple do work as well.

haa!!!

was really glad that his problems are solved.

thinking through about what someone has said before.

about not understanding why i would still want to go for it,

even knowing that it is not going to bear any fruits,

and after all that I've done,

my hard work will not get paid off.

and then,

later suffer in silence..

but come to think about it.

this is who I am..

its always the same thing that happens.

I'll always love and give and seldom take,

because there is no return or rather.

be it in the past, present, or future.

of course i would choose to make him happy first.

the only thing that has change is my view towards everything and my behavior.

in the past,

i was naive,

thinking that if i make everyone's day,

they will make mine too.

i was too out going.

and at first,

everyone did like me,

and we were a happy lot,

and i somehow got my love then.

but happy times don't last,

even before it has even really started.

losing everything in just a minute.

and was logo-ed as the vixen.

my click of girlfriends and even my bestie hated me.

for snatching away their love.

but i did nothing really.

i hadn't made the choice for them to like me.

loneliness and deep thoughts washed through me.

something that i learned,

being a loner will be a good choice,

and yes,

it did.

I'm strong, independent, more observant, calm, quiet and emo.

and most of all,

mature in the mind.

been through so much,

having seen that history does repeat itself.

and been through too many miseries more than happiness,

that i realized how weak human nature is.

always doing things for their own good.

and not bothering that it might hurt the others.

and when they got hurt,

they will think that why is it them?

but have they ever think about it?

no..

its simply karma.

a cycle..

and often,

they don't treasure or cherish what they have and what they are given.

they always learn to love and know the importance of it when they lose.

but this..

is human.

thats how cruel it is.

in life..

there are too many things.

too much that i have to think about.

and now that I've loved u.

i believe that this feeling will not be gone so soon.

though its only a one-sided love.

but it has been going on for about 8 months if I'm not wrong.

and next month,

will be the ninth.

too often that i loved,

i regretted not talking to u more often,

regretted not spending the time with u around wisely.

but if i were to see u again,

will i be able to hold u close?

i doubt.

guess i'll be the same.

and then regret again.

but one thing for sure.

each time i saw u..

i loved u more.

maybe i am stupid.

to always be helping him without him knowing.

but its all that i can do.

haix..

i missed you.

somehow hated myself for not able to speak to you even online.

2010-04-16T23:00:00.000+08:00

its 21 day since i saw him.

cant believe its so long.

i wonder how has he been doing lately.

i really miss him a lot.

i was so happy the other day.

that he replied me.

that day, its been about 14 days that i didn't see his msg.

even though it was just 3 msgs.

i'm already elated.

even words are hard to explain.

haix.
i just miss u even more.
i wish i could hug u tight,
or even just stay by your side doing nothing and just stare at u.
if only u know how i feel.
but i know,
even if u know,
u won't feel a thing,
simply because i meant nothing to u i guess.
but to me,
u meant more than anything.

2010-04-12T00:57:00.000+08:00

its the 17th day without u.

its horrible.

i did something really stupid.

cant believe i did that.

and all i could think of is u.

all that in my mind is u.

i was afraid of cockroaches,

but when i was waiting for the bus,

and a cockroach was just right at my foot,

i couldn't care any lesser.

it doesn't really matter that much.

i went to see your profile again.

and u said; Just simply let it go.

i start to wonder.

maybe it was for me.

are u telling me to let go?

its easier said than done.

sometimes,

i really don't know.

if u are a dream,

or reality.

yet again.

so near yet so far beyond reach.

if i had a chance.

to tell u in person,

that i love you.

2010-04-10T01:16:00.000+08:00

its been quite some time since I've been online.

and its been 15 days since i saw u,

i wonder how u have been,

can't seem to get the image of u walking further and further away.

the image is still so vivid.

I've tried to keep in contact with u,

but u seemed to be avoiding me,

not replying me in msn or msgs.

i felt so devastated.

u could have just told me,

that I'm not fit,

or that u don't have any feeling for me,

then it will be easier for me.

to forget u,

to let u go.

but it's really hard.

that i love u so much.

sometimes.

i wonder.

if i really love u..

but..

i really don't know now.

i just know that i miss u dearly.

2010-04-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

its been almost 2 days since i came online,

feels like i was running away from the fact.

went to bugis and then suntec with my sis; lay yuan,

and we bought strawberries.

the strawberries were huge!

haha.

and i thought of him,

strawberries were his favorites.

and i know I'm being stupid,

i actually bought a pack for him.

and went over to food republic hoping that i could meet him there.

and i msged him to ask which was his shop.

but i waited and waited.

he didn't reply me.

i guess..

he was really avoiding me.

its been 12 days since i was able to see him.

i missed him a lot.

but i couldn't show it out,

nor could i post it out to let others see.

i can only post it here,

where i know that not many will visit.

definitely not him.

i guess it was true that the other time u told them that it was impossible.

i should just move on.

y didn't u just tell me that i can't stay by u?

instead,

u chose to ignore me.

u have no idea how much it hurts.

how much my heart bleeds.

and I've also thought it through,

i can love u forever,

or i will love u forever,

but it will be kept in my heart,

the darkest corner of it.

i really hope that u won't avoid me anymore.

and go back like last time.

but i know that it was impossible.

2010-04-05T23:09:00.000+08:00

it's the 10th day since i've seen u,

these 10 days are had for me.

idk how long do i have to be like this.

i plucked up the courage to talk to u,

but u didn't reply me.

is it that u were busy?

or is it that u just didn't want to talk to me.

i wanted to stop all this nonsense.

but how?

i wish to stop thinking about u.

they say that time heals all wounds,

yes.

maybe it does..

but it doesn't heal every thing,

the side effect is that it left scars,

scars that can never be erased.

should i be happy that i finally had the strength to let u go?

or maybe my mind is preoccupied by dramas and all?

i really don't know.

its like my brain is telling me that i don't love him anymore,

but my heart tells me that i loved him.

he is what i never knew i always wanted.

the worst mistake is to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to.

i don't understand,

why do i love u so deeply?

why am i affected by u?

u know..

every time i see u smile and know that it was not for me,

thats when my heart aches like its been stabbed a feel times,

& thats when i miss u the most.

2010-04-04T23:27:00.000+08:00

another day has almost come to an end,

night has fall upon us again.

again,

I'm just waiting for the right time to come,

crashing me with loneliness.

went swimming with jac today.

it has been a very long time since i went to swim.

and today its really..

relaxing.

how strange..

i felt that I'm somehow connected to water.

whenever i swim and go under the water,

its like it was my..

home.

and i loved going to my favorite spot,

looking at the sea,

every time i had the urge to just jump down and into the underwater world.

its the 9th day since i saw u.

the vision of u walking away is still so vivid in my mind.

even what u were wearing.

its been about 3 days,

and u were back in town again.

when i saw your name,

or should i say saw u online,

i was..

happy..

knowing that u were close.

or rather.

i wanted to talk to u,

but i was afraid,

afraid of what i don't know.

maybe i was afraid to annoy u,

to spoil your mood from the trip.

the clock just keeps on ticking,

what am i really waiting for?

i guess its the darkness, cold, miserable, &

loneliness.

i saw 11:11,

does it shows that u are missing me?!

i hope.

but i guess not.

i guess i've really changed a lot,

did i?
my close friends..

they said i became more like a loner,

someone so emo.

not like i used to be.

and i thought so too.

for some reasons,

i loved to be alone but not lonely.

unfortunately,

i got both.

here.

i wanted to say a sorry to those whom i have neglected,

and someone especially rose,

sorry that our friendship has turned out this way,

maybe this is the best way for us.

but i really treasure our past memories.

thank u for everything.

2010-04-04T00:25:00.000+08:00

it hasn't been a day and i've already posted 2 times.

and this,

is the 3rd time.

idk y.

but it seems like today is so.....

long...

i thought that days has passed.

and then i came to see my blog again.

and realized that it was the same day.

24 hours now seem so long.

y do i miss u so much?

it's been about 2 days that u r not in town.

i really hoped that u had fun and relaxed with your friends .

omg.

ok.

idk what I'm typing now actually.

I'm like just blabbering non stop.

i just miss him dearly.
ok.
it's now a new day.
and i guess he's coming back today or so.
i wonder when i'll be able to see him.
or will i?
if i ever meet him somewhere.
i swear i wont just walk away.
or just look at him walking away from me.
at least i'll do something that i won't let that chance slip away.
or would i?
its really had to say.
haix.
i wish i was sitting by the shores again.
my favorite spot.
let the wind blow away my loneliness.
idk y.
everyday.
when night falls,
loneliness crawls and falls upon me.
i'll be sitting alone in the room at the back and looking at the four walls & the ceiling,
my mind goes blank,
and things start to flash in my mind.
not very clear though,
the only thing that is clear,
is u.
and most of the images,
is u.
and then my mind will go blank again.
idk y.
its like,
im so used to being alone,
and i soon start to like being alone.
or i should say being alone at my favorite spot.
sitting down there doing nothing.
it was a great pleasure.
and i realized that my mind aged a lot.
i don't like the city.
i liked the night pub though.
or rather.
haha.
ok.
i'm blabbering nonsense again.

2010-04-02T22:18:00.004+08:00

went to east coast with datou.

and sitting at my favorite spot where i could feel the breeze on my face

and enjoy the view.

let the wind take me away.

looking far away into the sea,

i felt calm and peacefulness wash over me.

listening to my music,

just adds on to my mood at that moment.

I've enjoyed very much,

i laid down on my back,

looking at the sky,

so broad,

its almost like u could stretch out your hands and touch the sky,

but when u reach out for it.

its beyond reach.

so near yet so far.

just like u..

looking far away..

i thought to myself,

u might be already at your destination or you were near.

the view over there must be fascinating.

and i let my mind wonder.

u might be far away.

but the wind that blew on my face,

is the same wind that kissed on your face;

the sky that i was admiring,

is the same sky that you will be admiring;

the air that I'm breathing,

is the same air that he's breathing.

i miss him a lot.

and i hope he is doing fine,

safe and sound.

and thank datou.
for accompanying me to east coast.
i know you are bored dead.
hahaha.

2010-04-02T02:32:00.003+08:00

离开学校已经有一个礼拜了，

已经有差不多八天没见到你了。

时间过得真快，

感觉好像昨天才看到你的影子，
还记得你那天穿这深蓝和白色的线条上衣，
浅蓝色的牛仔裤，
花色不许绑鞋带的鞋子，

朝着交叉路口的方向前去，

看着你的背影一步一步的离我而去，

我们的距离就这样的越来越远。

很难相信也很难接受，

有些后悔，
为何我当时不追上去抱着你，
至少抱着你对你说再见，
遗憾的是，
我提不起勇气也怕你会感到厌烦。
可没想到，
那会是我最后一次见到你，
也是你的再见。
至今，
那一幕还深深地在我的脑海里流下烙印。
而你也在我心里留下无法去除的脚印。
一天里有好多好多次，
我好想去找你，
但害怕也不知该到哪去找你，
好想紧紧地抱着你，
看着你在我的怀抱里沉睡。
可是，
我也知道什么叫做，
不可能。
就像你对她们说的一样。
只能默默地守候在你的身旁，
静悄悄的给你关怀，
担又不能将爱意说出口，
难受，
但只能忍耐和接受。
爱，你感受到了吗？